My ONly desire
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2003-03-01 02:34:47 (UTC)

All i want

Dear Megan,
I'm off grounding from like the two weeks i was
grounded for. im so happy! well for that. But u know for
that matter things are pretty good.
Every time i here someone get on aim i wish for
everything and some feeling jumps in me that its JT. i
really want to talk to him. see how he feels and wut he's
thinking about. He seems so mad, not at me, but at the
world and i wanna know if theres ne thing that i could do.
it just hurts me when i cant connect with people that are
hurting. i feel their pain and i want them to be happy. no
matter who they are, weather they are my friends or not. i
just feel the hurt and it gets to me all the time. Im
listening to Finch "what it is to burn" a pretty good
song. but i have to say that "burried myself alive" by The
Used is the best song, if you listen to the lyrics. :)
Ever have those weird break downs where you feel like
nothign is happening? like your just frozen left in time
and u arent happy all u feel is pain? the hurt deep down
in your sole? wo i spelled that wrong. dont mind it
though. thats how i feel like right now. somethings wrong
buti cant put my finger on it. im no physic or ne thin but
i can just sense somethign is wrong. weather its with me
or with a friend. Damn i wish Jt was on. i really want to
talk to him. but no fucking way cant get all i want. can
i? Selfishness...everyone has it. they can deny it but we
all know they do.
One of my friends, jay, moved to pensicola..that
really sux!i didnt get much time to know him but all that
i did know of him he was pretty cool. and u know just fun
to be with.
Theres a lot of things that i want, i want to
believe in love so much again, but it seems like everytime
that i try to theres just somethign holding me back,
holding me back from saying the words "i love you" maybe i
am to young for it? i dont know. is there really an age
limit to when you can really "love" someone. love is such
a big word. antother thing i want is to trust again. i've
lost trust in a lot of things, guys, friends, teachers,
parents, family, god. really sucky feeling too. its like i
dont feel like i can go ne where witout being mocked or
judged. so when im around Tiffany, JT, Kitty, Johnny, and
Josh i feel like im not judged., that i can just be me.
and it really eats me up inside to think that maybe me and
JT cant be togther again. if i could i would rewind my
life go back to wednesnight and not broken up with him.
Me and tiffany are planning on going on warped
tour. that would be so awesome! we wanna like see Blink
182 and ne other band that could be playing there. but we
are like really stoked about it! This summer we are gonna
try and get a lot of money. at LEAST $200 a month. seems
impossible but we're gonna go check out to see if we could
work at a music place for the summer, mow lawns, babysit.
u know do all we can! we really need the money for band
shit and for just warped tour and shit. i just realy want
to start out my dream, and her dream. I hope that she
supports me with my dream as much as i support her! lol.
that sounds gay. :-/ oh well.
Ok well im gonna go. thers not much else to say.
later days!
Much love,