My ONly desire
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2003-02-28 21:29:08 (UTC)

My First Page

Refering my Diary to Megan
Dear Megan,
How are you? Well I figured that I have a lot to
talk to you about, so I decided to write you a letter
instead of an email. Yes, I know that email is way faster
to getting you, but it also takes a lot longer to read
because of getting kicked off instances, and someone
needing to use the phone so on and so fourth. So I
honestly think that I should write you this letter so that
you can put it away any time you need to and it is not
lost. Don’t mind if I write this all pretty I’m trying to
sort out my thoughts and I find it easier if I try to be
neat for a while, it’s probably easier to read.
Well as you know in past emails that I have sent,
things aren’t going happy go lucky like they pretty much
were last year. I’ll admit that I have changed. I have
lost almost all belief in God. I know a shock right? But
sadly I have. My parents are not aware of this and I would
like to keep it that way but sooner or later I am afraid
they will find out. I am not exactly sure of how I feel
with not believing in God. I feel this weird emptiness
inside of me and I feel trapped. Like there is no way out
of this. It’s kind of scary. Really scary to be the exact
term that I am looking for. I mean I used to be happy last
year even though I was put through a lot of pain with the
dealing of Marc, yet you and my other friends made me feel
superior. I mean I could talk to you about anything. We
even talked about the existence of God at one point. You
were sort of put in the position I am at now and I was in
yours. I think. But I believe that was the way it was. If
I was wrong please feel free to correct me. I don’t know
what to do with the God matter. I am going through a
confirmation class at the Methodist church my mom works
at, but I don’t think I will be joining after all of this.
It just doesn’t seem logical. Not to me any ways. I would
really like to go to First Baptist Church which is right
near to the Methodist one. Tiffany and JT go there and
honestly even though Tiffany is sort of in my place I feel
more secure being there with them. JT I’m not exactly sure
on how he feels about God. I don’t know though. I won’t be
able to go back to that church because Tiffany’s mom can’t
take me any more. That makes me mad.
Yesterday was a really hard day and night for me.
Smacked in the face both ways. The day was pretty shitty
because of all of my thoughts with Josh running through my
head. I mean it was the night before that he told me that
he still loved me even though I put him through a lot of
shit. I only see him as a friend though. I don’t want to
go out with him again. He was acting weird yesterday all
day! I mean not just for one class period, it was all day.
And it was bugging me. I don’t want me and him to be any
closer than we are now. But he wants differently. Also
there is a friend of mine named Dana who was wanting to
kill herself. I didn’t’ believe her. I mean she just
always seemed so happy and excepting that I wouldn’t
picture her doing a thing like that. I also have to deal
with Tiffany. Not that it’s a bad thing. I would so rather
have her talk it out with me than keeping it to herself. I
know what it’s like to keep things to your self, trapped
in your own mind with no one there to help you out. It can
get stressful at times. And I don’t want her to try any
thing I care too much for her. I mean this may sound
bisexual but I really love her and if I were to loose her
I’d be sad. She’s like a you for me up here. I mean not
saying she took your place holy fuck no way! But she is
there and she is a lot like you. She understands me, I
think, and she listens to me when I need her, she doesn’t
judge me, and that’s really important to me that I have
someone who does not constantly judge me. Sometimes a
friend like that is too costly to loose. Know what I mean.
I still have you, but only through letters and email, but
its not the same. And we both know that. So it just sort
of really helps when I have someone who I can talk to who
know won’t judge me. I like the feeling. Yet, I still feel
alone. A lot of things have been stressing me out, grades,
homework, relationships both friends and boyfriend
girlfriend ones, Jacob and Jody out there in the war, me
getting into constant fights with my parents over a
controlling matter, damn I’m so selfish!, loosing best
friends, changing, disbelief in God, wanting to kill
myself but holding back because I told my friends not to
end they’re lives, band matters, drugs, emptiness,
loneliness, wanting, loosing. Everyday life is killing me
slowly. Smoking is like my suicide. It just takes longer
to kill me. I take it up still. My friend Michael hasn’t
been able to bring me anything for a while though. Even
though I’ve already paid him. Big mistake! I should’ve
paid him the moment he got the cigarettes for me. Life’s
hard and I don’t know what I would do without the people
that help me get through it. You, Tiffany, Amber, Jt,
Josh, my brother Johnny, Shauna, Dana, Kitty, those are
like my best friends right there. I know my brother sounds
a bit corny to be in there but I’m serious he helps a lot.
I don’t think I’ve ever given the time of day to thank
them either. I feel sort of bad for not letting them know
how much I care for them.
Now for the night. It was pouring. Really hard
too. Well not really hard but semi hard. Any ways that’s
way beyond the point! It was just 10 minutes before
Tiffany was going to pick me up to go to the First Baptist
church I was talking about earlier. Reminder I was going
out with JT still who goes to that church and that’s the
only way I would get to see him. I was frustrated when she
told me. So I went downstairs and I begged my mom to take
me. Just for this one last time. She said yes. So we got
in the car and went. I felt like crying on my way there
but I couldn’t. Honestly, I had felt like crying that
whole day so when Tiffany told me the news like everything
wanted to just come out of me. On the way there I was
thinking to myself “what am I going to do about JT. Should
I break up with him or keep going, should I just tell him
and let him make the call, would it be fair to just not
break up with him and leave him without seeing him again?”
understand I was so confused. Lost in every thought about
my life. Remembering how you had told me about going to
Acquire the Fire and how much happier you were. Wishing
for a moment that I could be in your place. Maybe life
would be better. Well when we got to the church I didn’t
see JT right away. The first ones that I saw were Tiffany,
Dana, and Shauna. I told Tiffany that I didn’t know what
to do with JT. She didn’t know either. She told me to just
wait and see what would happen. So I did. I got nervous
cause probably maybe 5 minutes went by but it seemed
forever and JT wasn’t there. I really wanted to see him.
He made my life and feelings sort out in a moment. I
finally found him. Well we finally found him. And I was
happy. But still I was sad for I knew that with one phrase
everything was entitled to change and that phrase was “we
need to talk” I didn’t want to say it right then and there
though. I just told him how this would probably be the
last night that I was here. He didn’t seem to believe me
or care. So I brushed it off too. It started to get cold.
After all we were outside in the rain and it was cold. We
weren’t soaked yet though. Good thing! But we all went
inside and sat down around the couch. Church was finally
starting. Lacey, one of JTs friends and a potential to be
mine if I will ever get to see her again I mean she was
pretty cool and all so you know its someone I would like
to get to know more, but any ways she went out and was
swinging in the rain on the swings, Jt didn’t know where
she went and he went to go find her. He was gone for like
the whole praise and worship crap going on. I left after
the praise and worship. I went outside. It was dark and
rainy and I found JT and Lacey. Soaked! I though it was
sort of humorous at first. But me and my selfish self went
back into wanting everything to be perfect and I was
thinking about how bad * I * was going to hurt if I lost
JT. Jt went back inside after a while because he started
to get cold and I stayed out with Dana and Lacey. We all
went to go swing. It was cool. I mean I didn’t think of
any thing my world seemed to have frozen, frozen in time.
I liked the feeling. I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t happy, I
wasn’t sad, I had no feelings it was nice. Lacey was
singing. O my gosh she has such a great voice. I wish I
had it. But then again I was thinking “why? Do I want to
be the best at everything” so I didn’t wish that any more.
We all stayed out there for the whole church service which
is like 2 hrs long! We were soaked. It was fun though and
relieving. Stress had really gotten me but I didn’t want
to cry. No one was there to comfort me and I really hate
crying by myself. Sure Lacey and Dana were there. But my
comforting needed to be from something else. I don’t know
who or what. But it did. So I cold not cry. Well after the
service everyone in our little group at church went
outside (Lacy, Lairen, JT, Johnny, Shauna, Tiffany, Dana,
and I) I had now figured out my decision after talking to
Lacy, that I was going to break up with JT. I still didn’t
want to but had to. So me and Jt walked off by ourselves
and I could not look at him at all. I didn’t want to. I
was afraid that if I looked at something that was about
to loose that it would hurt too much and I would cry. As
much as I want comfort when I cry, I hat crying in front
of people. I told him that it wasn’t working out. Well I
stuttered a lot when I was telling him but he got the
picture. I feel bad. I feel really bad. There it goes me
and my selfish self God Damn! Argh! Any ways. I have no
idea how he feels, he’s probably relieved. I mean I
probably made his life worse. Who knows. Only he does.
When I got home I felt really sick. Not sick like I need
to throw up or I have a fever sick I mean sick like
stressing out majorly and needing to lay down. So I told
my mom I didn’t feel good. Which I didn’t I had a huge
headache and low tolerance, I took some Tylenol and went
to bed. Kind of, I cried myself to sleep. So much stress.
I felt alone. Like no one was there. The worst feeling I
have ever felt is lonesome. And to this day I hate it.
I’ve done pretty much a lot while I’ve been up
here. A lot as in changing. I must admit I’m probably a
7th grade hoe at my school. As much as I hate to admit it
but after hearing it from a lot of guys and some girls it
starts to get to you and you start to believe it. I know I
shouldn’t care what people think, but maybe its best this
time I do. I can’t help it though. It’s not like I
wake up in the morning and go “hmm today I’ll lead this
guy on and tomorrow this one” but every guys seems to
think that. To calm my nerves down at school before I
freak out into a tantrum I write songs. I write them based
on the feelings I have. People that I know read them and
they say they are really good, as in well written, but
they are really depressing. I cant help that. I’m actually
proud of myself. I mean why wouldn’t I be. I write music,
play music, and all out involved in it. I love the fact
that music is available to me and that at times my parents
are supportive, all though they seem to be more supportive
in my sister. Sure she gets better grades than me like a
full two letter grades better. All A’s for her and my
grades are C’s. sometimes I think that they expect me to
be more like her. I try my best not to be. This may sound
mean but I really don’t want to be like my sister. Not
that she’s a bad person or boring, its just not my style.
Johnny wants to learn the drum. We’re all putting
together a band. Me, Tiffany, Jt, Johnny, and Azirous . Ok
I spelled her name wrong. I don’t know how to spell it.
But when we all start to get to know our instruments,
we’re gonna start practicing in my garage. I cant wait.
Music just calms my soul. Sounds corny I know. But it’s
Sometimes I feel so helpless when people come to
me with their problems. Like about two weeks ago or
something Dana was mad and she told me that I wasn’t
helping her any. I didn’t know what to do. And whenever
Tiffany gets so stressed out I just I feel helpless in the
matter to help her. It seems like all I do is fail at
everything. I think that I failed at the JT and mine
relationship. I fail at all things like that. I’m just a
fucking failure. And I hate it! I don’t want to be good at
everything I know I cant. No one can. But I don’t want to
fail at helping out my friends. Confusion sucks and life’s
a bitch. I’m a fucking bitch. Everyone hates me thinks I’m
a failure and a two dollar hoe. So really there’s nothing
there for me.
As you see yesterday was not cookies and cream. It was far
worse. But I’ve had worse days. I just don’t know what I
would do if I did not have you to talk to. I would
probably be lost. And you know not available to talk to
you. I wish life had a rewind button on it. It would just
be so easy every time that we mess up to hit that button
and move on. Well I’ll check back in later but I must go
Much love