nin137

Reading - Me

I have been reading my journals of the past 2 years. i try
to think of the ones that embody the soul and spirit of
who i am. a lot of them do.......in fact all of them
do...it's almost as if i wrote them all.
who i am is slowly pieced together like a never-ending
puzzle. i like to think i'm an enigma to society and to my
girlfriend.......that i can never be figured out. but
alas i am mistaken. those of you that read my journal
know me........but not as much as juliann, i am honestly
wondering if that is a blessing or a curse. i think about
that every night. every night i fall asleep and lie on my
back.........looking up at the blackness of my ceiling.
looking up at the blackness of my ceiling without the
feeling of her head on my chest or her breath on my body.
i wonder if i am curse with someone that not only
understands me but takes this knowledge to a plateau of
love. is it scary or a miracle when someone knows exactly
who you are and will be and still loves you? eh i don't
know.........well maybe i do.
so sometimes i just read through my journals and i don't
remember half of them. i look at my life..........and i
don't remember half of it. look at yourself what do you
remember? and what do people never forget? the
multiplication of the two is your consciousness......what
we remember and what we are reminded of. i ended that in
a preposition. so truthfully i can not decipher my
personality. i try to pretend i am still so enigmatic
that the axiomatic theorem of life would be "who is this
guy".......yeah right, i know it is fantasy. what do i
do? i write in austria with gnats hitting my eyes and
hands as i guard my beer looking into a river from a land
that......well that....... nevermind my history is of no
concern. what is yours? don't flatter yourself. sadly
it is your history not your future intentions that truly
define you.
well here are my past blunders.
1.) an imagination that throws me into the depths of a
lonely, speculative life.
2.) an indecisive nature that controls my every action and
that throws me into massive panic attacks and neurotic
intuitions.
3.) not realizing.
here are my future intentions.
1.) leaving this fucking dumb ass journal as a relic of my
retarded self.
2.) fantasizing about things other than sex.
3.) being with juliann, in an effort to extend my most
deeply felt sentiments into actions.......not just words
that meekly fill a digital sheet of paper.
yeah, the lights just flickered.........again. oh my.
partially through the pathetically patriotic patrionage i
feel for my patriachly patrolled population do i extend
such nonsensical alliterations. i'll never believe the
most "learned" man.........yet i'll fall for the simplest
folly of my love........my, my. never trust the
intuitions of a man so deeply in love. for he is subject
ot the ambiguities of who he is subject to. juliann, in
all of my cursive and all of my journals i can not express
myself for the gratitude i feel when you just lie your
head on my chest. i'll see you soon. love you.