All That I Am
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2003-02-28 05:27:14 (UTC)

Alive Without Breath

I've had a splitting headache ALL freakin' day, journal! I
think my eyes are about to pop out of their sockets. Well,
it's done...I got my apartment and I start moving in
tomorrow, woohoo. I'd be a little more excited if I didn't
feel like my head were going to explode.

Anywho, I was doing this online book club thing...basically
because I'm a big stinkin' nerd and I like to read...and I
came across this gay/lesbian book club where you get 3
books for like $3.00. Well, since I had given away all my
books when I moved up here I decided it's time to start a
new collection now that I have my own place. So, I start
reading about all of these books, trying to decide which
one to get, and I started getting uber depressed. I'm
reading snipits of biographies and fictions about coming of
age and "out of the closet" and these fictional, and
nonfictional, characters have better lives than me! I was
like this freakin' sucks! I was reading how this one boy is
growing up in a small town and he falls for the college
jock boy but his best friend secretly likes him and they
hook up....I'm thinking, what the fuck?! Why hasn't anyone
had a crush on me dammit? It's completely different reading
gay novels because I can put myself in the story. I do that
for other novels but it's not that personal and it doesn't
hit on the core of who I am or what I really want in So, of course I grabbed up some of these books
and can't wait for them to come because I'll be engrossed
in them.

I think I complain too damn much in you journal. (notice
how I refer to you, as "you"....I figured I might as well
address you like a would a friend, makes it a little
easier) Anyways, I'm hoping this apartment and gorgeous new
town I'm living in will be a start to a new life. My past
one was pretty crappy. I've had plenty of good times but I
want love. Maybe not even love as much as a boyfriend too.
Beyond sex of course but someone I can lay next too in bed
and, I don't know just be a companion. I know love isn't
automatic but I just need a man. I would love to even just
date at this point. Something to get my heart going, it's
beating but I feel so damn empty. I don't believe in a soul
but whatever neuron is suppose to make me feel all happy
and joyful isn't working right now. There's no joy in life right now,
I'm just going through the motions. I'm not sad or depressed,
I'm just here. I'm always laughing and smiling but I think
that's superficial and it's masking deeper problems. I need
to get a shrink. That way he/she can help me out and then I
can intern for them and they can show me the ropes so I can
be a kick ass psychologist/psychiatrist (undecided as to
which one).

And (I'm going to jump topics)I was thinking of what I
would do with my psychology degree and I think I've
narrowed it down to two possible ones: either I'll work as
a gay/lesbian counselor (which I would really love because
I would relate a lot more with them) or I would use it
toward business and go into marketing (which I've always
been interested in). I don't think I've mentioned my career
goals but I'm currently gunnin' for a psychology degree.
It'll take me a while but I'm in no hurry. It's like I was
telling my mom, I'm not one of those people that believes
that by having a degree (in anything) that makes you a
better person and you enjoy life more. Paying thousands of
dollars isn't making me a better person, knowledge is and
that I can get from everyday life, not just from sitting in
a classroom and taking standardized tests. I'm really
bitter when it comes to the college/university school
system thing. But anywho, if three or four years down the
line I decide this isn't what I want to do anymore than
that will be fine. I've never been someone who's had to
have tons of money and whatnot. Living comfortably for me
is having cable and plenty of food and video games. I don't
need a bmw or all that bling bling shit to be happy. More
money wouldn't hurt mind you, but I'm not going to
sacrifice years of my life sitting in a classroom when I
could be traveling the world with that money or buying lots
of clothes (now I do like clothes! that's one expensive
luxury I can't do without, I'm GQ'ng all the way!). But
then I guess I'm being a little hypocrital because, again,
I'm not living life for all it's worth and I'm the only one
to blame, noone else is holding me back.

Well, journal I've got to go because I need to get back to
work. Later.