Dick Doomsday

Pathetic Punk
2003-02-27 09:05:05 (UTC)

bowling

tonight i went bowling with mark, marie, and tai. it was
fun. i love them all so much!

anyways...last night i talked to john. john surprised me
some. he told me he was thinking about marriage and all
that shit. that comming from john was, well, unexpected.

i dunno. he said he knows what makes him happy but he
doesnt think he's ready to be happy. and the only thing i
want is for john to be happy. cuz that would make me happy.
and uhhgg. so yeah. john is my friend. a very very good
friend and i would do ANYTHING for him. and i feel so
useless cuz i cant make him happy.

i hope things change....for the best. i want everything to
fall into place and i want john to enjoy the simplicity of
having things be "steady". i want to him drop his liking
of "chaos" cuz for others, that chaos is too much to
handle. at least its too much for me to handle. just
the "me-john" thing is about to force me off a cliff.

man, i wish the "good-happy-in love-everything is perfect"
moments would last forever. but they dont. i guess he gets
bored and feels trapped and feels the need to stir things
up. he just goes about it the wrong way. and that way makes
me sad and depressed most of the time. and sometimes its
too much to handle. and i really dont need that stress.
sometimes i just want to walk away and never turn back. but
i need him. and i guess he needs me. at least i hope he
needs me.

i'm not sure what to believe. sometimes he'll be in the
best mood and tell me that hes happy and that basically
everything is perfect and then theres the times where he
espresses his "so-called" true feelings and tells me hes
not happy and that he doesnt love me the way he said he
did, and that he feels trapped and fuck. so i'm left
confused. torn between the two sides of john.

i know which i like better but i dont know which is the
real john.

anyways....i'm going to bed. i always end up staying up
really late. and tomorrow i have school. yuck. hopefully
i'll get to see john. i miss him. and more then anything i
just want to hold him and be held by him. i cant wait for
that day to come. until then, i guess we're just friends'
and its not like being friends blows or anything. its just
that i want more. i want to be able to feel his body
against mine, look into his eyes, feels his lips against
mine, and tell him that i love him. and what i want even
more then that is to hear him say he loves me too.

i miss that so much it makes me sad.




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