devilchick67

Obsurd and Undiscussed Relations
2003-02-26 22:01:24 (UTC)

Scared

Omg today was probably the worst day of my lyfe. Christin
yesterday had the cops come to her house cuz she was going
to kill herself. She had a flippin gun okay...I'm sorry but
I don't think that's wanting attention. I know that's what
you think, I know that's what everyone thinks but I know
her very well. I know everything about her. And vice versa.
Then today in 6th hour we had Jackie A. for our sub and
Christin told me to tell her that she was going to kill
herself so I could go talk to her. Now it's just become an
excuse, even tho I know she'd have done it if I wasn't
here. Jackie said okay and so I went and talked to her.
What we didn't know, Jackie called Mr. O. (our principle)
and told him. Mr. O. found us and got Christin and talked
to her. I went back to class ya know, wateva just thinking
she was in trouble again...That sounded mean but its true.
I'm sorry. And then after school Christin came up to me
crying the hardest I think she's ever cried b4 and right
into my arms. Of course, I was scared out of my mind cuz I
didn't know what was going on and Christin was crying. I
mean she never cries anymore. She doesn't have anything
left. Then she told me what was going on and I was like
omg! And I started crying a lil bit but I can't cry in
front of her cuz ya know I don't wanna make her feel bad or
anything. And then we both got on our buses and went home.
I didn't know what to do so I called Kim. She told me that
she didn't know what to say and most ppl that talk about
killing themselves never do. Its the ppl that you would
never expect to do it, that actually do. That helped a lil
bit but I know Christin won't leave me here. And I won't
leave her. It's just our lil circle. Then I called
Christin. She told me what Mr. O. said. He said that she
can't be here anymore and might not even be able to stay at
her own home tonite. Then he asked for her mom's number and
she told him and then he asked if he could call and she
said no. Then he called anyways. Isn't that like not
allowed or soemthing?? Well anyways, she told him that
there's at least 3 or 4 ppl she knows in our school besides
her that feel the same way and he asked who. I'm glad she
didn't tell cuz I do NOT need to talk to that bastard. I
flucking hate him! He's seriously an asshole. And then
Christin's mom came home and talked to me on the fone. She
asked me what was going on bcuz she thought Christin could
be lieing or something, I dunno but yeah and I told her
that I was out of the classroom and yadda yadda yadda and
then Christin's ma told me that she needed to talk to
Christin so she had to hang up. Alrighty, that was another
thing that scared me. You know what's unexpected is the
scariest. Well that and Christin crying that hard were the
two things that scared me today. I mean nothing else was
out of the ordiniary. Then I called Chris at work cuz Kim
told me to call him there and that it would be alright. He
told me basically the same thing that Kim said so wateva
and then we hung up. I have no clue what to do. I can't cry
here. I don't show my feelings at home cuz I don't need to
go to the psyco ward person and I don't show them at school
besides a lil cry here and there so I have all these
feelings bottled up inside me and I feel like if just
another thing happens I'm going to burst. I will kill
myself. Lyfe's not important to me besides Chris, Christin,
and Nikole. That's...it. And once Christin's gone ya know
I'm only going to have 2 ppl. And then I dunno. I learned
alot about ppl who actually care today. My teacher Mr. B.
cares. Which is suprising cuz all I do it try to piss him
off. Sorry about that. And you too Chris. I tend to test my
limits and that's what turns everyone off. That's just me
and I'm trying to change. For you. I love you so much. I
know that doesn't sound big but hey. I love 3 ppl only. I
mean the other 2 are my only friends that I can tell shit
to and you I tell everything to and I love you. I mean I
can't see myself w/ anyone else. But, if you can't take it
anymore don't feel bad I can do w/ just 2 ppl. Don't stay
w/ me if you don't really love me. I can get by. I haven't
been loved till I met Christin and then Nikole and then you
came along. I haven't been loved my whole lyfe and so I can
take it if you really don't. I don't need anybody to love
me...I guess. I'd rather not be loved than be lied to. You
know that new song about an angel or w/e. That's how I
feel. And you 3 are my angels. Well, I'm not crying cuz I'm
not loved or I didn't just break up w/ someone but the rest
of the song is true. That's all I have to say I guess. I
love you guyz. ~Michelle~