athrodator

The life and times
2001-10-09 01:55:53 (UTC)

Love

The more time I spend on Earth, the more I wonder what love
is. Growing up, I never really loved anyone, I wanted to, I
just couldnt find it in me to open myself up.As far back as
I could remeber I was always depressed, nothing except my
lack of trust was really to blame.High school was hell, I
was what you call a "freak" and people saw fit to treat me
as such. Neither the students nor the teachers would look
at me as anything but a freak.My freshman year was
crap,kids harrassed me, even though I was twice their size,
I couldnt bring myself to do anything about it.My family
was falling apart, my parents always argued about how to
raise me and I believe that was one of the defining things
that broke them up. I ended up going to see a psychologist,
he helped very little. He kept telling me that life was
just a game and that I just had to play along. FOrgive me
for thinking that I was put here to accomplish something
and I dont want to think of my life as some kind of
sport.The school year ended and for awhile things calmed
down.
My junior year, in some respects was great and others, it
was one of the worst. That was the year that I met the only
teacher in that high school that I had respect for. He
encouraged me, and made me feel as though I was something
other than some weird kid that dressed all in black just to
intimidate people and keep them away from me. He was a
wonderful man and I wish to make contact with him and tell
him so someday, I just have to track him down somehow. Also
that year, my parents made me see a whole team
of "professionals". I spent an hour talking to some
psychologist and then he tells me that I am suffereing from
depression. Can we say DUH? When you pay a man 300$ an
hour, you want to get the impression that he is smarter
than you. He recommended that I take a psychiatric
evaluation. I went through the whole ink blot thing,I will
warn you now, if you see a rabid dog in one of them, dont
tell the doctors that, they'll just use that against
you.Anyway that year ended and my parents finally pulled me
out of that school and for my senior year I
took "homeschooling". Basically we just said that to get me
out of there, I ended up just laying on my ass a gaining
weight,I weighed 260lbs as a matter of fact.
That year was pretty crappy, but nothing really worth
mentioning until May. That was the month that my mom
finally left, I felt like I drove her away and that I
really hurt my dad as well. Having very few people in my
life,my parents,my asshole best friend Cody, and pot head
named Jimmy,I was very distraught about my mom leaving. I
lost 1/4 of the people in my life. Well I sank deeper into
depression, deeper than I had ever been before.I was
talking about killing myself to my best friend about every
other day, I was hanging out with the pot head named Jimmy,
more and more, becoming a pot head myself. I would go days
before I would even realize that I hadnt eaten anything, I
started losing so much weight and thought that I looked
really good, that I decided to keep it up.Thats where my
exciting lil eating disorder began, the likes of which I
have never fully recovered(though I am doing a lot
better).Two and half months went by and I lost over 50lbs
without any exercise.( at the time I thought that was an
amazing accomplishment) THen came August 1st. That was the
first time I had ever really hung out and talked with the
most wonderful person I have ever known, Julie. I talked
with her for the first time at a party me and the asshole
Cody through. She was sweet and I actually felt like
someone cared for me for the first time in years.That night
was the first time since high school began that I actually
looked forward to waking up the next day.I found myself
actually leaving the house and hanging out with
people,mostly I just wanted to see her though. Whenever I
talked to her she made me feel special and cared for.I
found myself throwing parties at my house just for another
excuse to see her. I hadnt thrown a party since eigth
grade.THe whole month of august I hung out with her and her
friends,and for now I can honestly say that it was the
greatest month of my life.She and most of the other people
in the group went on to college,I was sad to see her go,
but that just gave me time to think of a way to show her
what she meant to me for when she came home. A week before
she came home I started baking cookies and cakes,that was
and still is the only real skill I have.I baked like crazy,
I ended up throwing a party for everyone, which probably
worked out for the best because I dont know what she would
of done with all of that food.Christmas break came and it
was another fun month. I found myself spending money
unselfishly for my new found friends. I spent over 100$ on
them, which for a poor white trash kid, with no job, that
was a lot of money. I of course spent most on her and
bought her this really pretty faery figurine that I thought
looked like her. Then the day after Christmas I came to
find out that she was dating my best friend, the asshole. I
was crushed, I knew she could never see me as a boyfriend
type but I knew the asshole would treat her like shit and
needless to say, he didnt fail at that.After they started
going out, I just found myself being cranky, I wanted to go
back into hiding but I couldnt bring myself to leave her. I
was fine when I hung out with the group, unless the asshole
was around and then I just went pyscho on everyone.They
ended up ditching me,I can hardly blame them though.But I
still kept in touch with Julie,I talked to her
occasionally, and still do. I would see her at school after
she transfered back to the area, I bought her things around
christmas, and had an all out bake-a-thon on her birthday.I
eventually just accepted the fact that she doesnt want me
as a boyfriend,sometimes I wonder if she even wants to be
friends. I guess hearts were meant to be broken, at least
mine anyway. Julie, if you ever read this, I just want you
to know that I love you with all my heart, you made me
smile when I thought I had forgotten how and changed my
life forever.I havent taken any drugs since you came into
my life, and I do my best to be the kind of person you
would be proud to call a friend. I know I might not be much
of a person, but I probably wouldnt be anyone if it wasnt
for you. Thank you for all that you have done for me. I
dont know how I would ever repay you,but I want you to know
that I will always be here for you if you need a shoulder
to cry on, or for whatever reason. You are the most
important person in my life, I know we arent very close,
but I am closer to you than I have been with anyone. I love
you and always will.