my so called life
2001-10-09 01:01:20 (UTC)

You make me feel..

Ben makes me feel so small
Ben makes me feel so lonely
Ben makes me feel lost in this world
Ben makes me feel like a failure
Ben = shit
Ben = the cutest, sweetest shit in this fucking world

Talked to him for over an hour today. At first he was being
sweet, making me feel special like only he can. One of the
things I appreciate the most about him is that he seems to
know me. Once in a while he says these little things that
make me feel interesting and appreciated. My memory is a
lot better than most people’s memory. I remember almost
everything you tell me. If I care about you that is. When
people don’t remember things I tell them, I feel
uninteresting and not very loved. I know that’s unfair, but
I can’t help it. Ben remembers the little things. Maybe
he’s just got a gift like me, but it makes me feel really,
really special. My friend Torje says that he doesn’t feel
special just because I remember every little thing he says.
I wish I could make him feel special. To make someone feel
special is a wonderful deed. I don’t feel special just
because you say I am. I wish you would get that. I’m not
that easy.

Ben is leaving Wednesday. We’re not watching that movie
tomorrow. I don’t know if he forgot or just doesn’t want to
anymore. If I was going to be very optimistic and
conceited, I would think that maybe he didn’t have the
courage to ask me again. He asked if I was going to visit
my brother this week. I’m not. He said “you can borrow the
Matrix and watch it over and over again.” – I don’t have a
DVD-player. – Oh, I forgot. Yeah, right. I’ve told you a
thousand times. You did NOT forget. Then we changed the
subject. Tomorrow’s Tuesday. The day after is Wednesday (No
kidding). He leaves Wednesday.

I’m such a spoiled little brat. The World War III has
probably just started and I’m moaning about my selfish
little problems. But what am I to say? That I’m terrified ?
That I’ll never be able to understand what’s going on. It’s
such a complex situation, and I’m such a stupid little
girl. A plane crashed today. Over 100 people got killed.
I’m so sorry. How many people get killed every day without
any publicity? Yes, of course the planecrash today was
terrible. The WTC-situation was a tragedy. It was
heartless. But you know, disasters happen every day. People
suffer every day. But when our people suffer, it’s a
tragedy. What about the things we don’t talk about? Today’s
society is such a hypocritical society. I am a hypocrite.
You are a hypocrite.

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