lauren s

..always something new..
2001-10-08 23:09:09 (UTC)

entry#11...

Hey again, no progress so far on the man hunt but i cant
exactally say im trying my hardest. Im god damn lazy. I
mean yea, lets have lauren go out and get new hair and new
clothes.. some make up and loose bout 10 lbs but eh ... id
rather do other things. I mean its not like im ugly. Im not
one to say i dont want a guy who likes me for my looks, i
would actually, i think its flattering and what draws them
in however i dont want that to be the only thing ... but i
am the type to say that i dont want a guy to like me for
hooking up purposes only. Im above that, and usually if a
guy is attracted to you because he thinks he can get a
peice, he is probably some jerk who dosent like u at all,
he just likes what you can provide. That is no good. I def.
dont want that. But maybe i will try the hair and clothes
and make up shit ... lets see where i am a week from now ?

Im such a freekin basket case, i dont know how i feel
anymore im just a mess. Im upset, angry, happy, very
scared, compassionate, sensitive, strong, witty and quiet
all at the same time. I dont know why but its the way it
is. Sometimes the bad things overwhelm me like im upset and
angry and scared all at the same time.. wich in turn just
makes me very emotional. I guess you can blame it on being
a girl who wants a lot but cant get it all. Hard to
explain. But i think its more then that. I have everything
bottled up and i dont know where to begin. Ill be okay

I have really changed this past year. I dont know. I
mean i dont go to church,or anything but I always think
about wheather im doing the "right thing" or not. I try my
hardest not to do anything to hurt anybody no matter who it
is. And to be honest its a good feeling not to hurt people
and to be their friend instead. Ive been thinking a lot
too.. ive had much time on my hands. I am realy thankful
for a lot of things ... some stupid things but a lot of
important ones. Im thankful im human and not an animal or a
bug. Im thankful i live in America and in Florida. Im
thankful for my family and the house and stuff i have. I am
thankful for my friends and for being a girl. Im thankful
for being who i am and for not having any disease (besides
diabetes) Im thankful for being somewhat attractive and to
have the personality i have. Im thankful for basically
everything i have.And its all sincere.I think thats the
most important thing.

Ummm besides all that, im a little pissed i cant go to
homecoming because in case i forgot to write, john asked me
to go as friends.. and then basically he ditched me for
someone who he called a "date date" i was like whatever!
screw that! I still really wannna go because this is my last year
with a lot of my friens and i dont want this year to end. All of my
close friends are seniors this year and they will all be gone when
this year is over. So
im going to try and make it as memoriable as possible. Not
only that but cheres sister diseree is coming next year and
trying out for cheerleading. SHE FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF that
girl, no words can discribe the hate i have inside for her
and her sister. I wish they would just ... go away (to put
it nicely) I hate thinking about it because it makes me so
mad every time i do .. and then im mad the rest of the day
so i will forget about it till the first day of school next
year.. or untill she tries out for cheerleading .. that
looser. Ugh anyways This homecomeing should be seriously
awesome. I am going to everything! its going to be soooo
much fun !!! aggh and i might be left alone a couple nights
while my grandpa gets married in ga.. hopefully they will
leave me home alone. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Besides that i want a man. I know ive been repeating
myself but i really want a nice cute guy with a nice car.
UGH why cant i find one who likes me. He dosent even have
to have a car .. he can be just like chris. hopefully when
chris and his ugly chick break up i can move in ..
hopefully! I dont know i will prey for one tonite.
Hopefully tomorrow i will find someone who i like a lot and
who feels the same about me ...

Im kinda scared about the terriost attacks because
someone died of Anthrax not too far away from where i live.
If you dont know what it is .. its like some chemical that
if u breathe it in you will die within 7-10 days.. you dont
know u have it and you cant really do much to help it but
when your time is up your lungs collapse and you die. Just
another reason to try and treat everyday like its my last.
But also keep enough sense to realize just incase its not,
not to screw up the days i still have left. if that makes
any sense to you at all.

just some quotes from songs that remind me of me or whatever

"...you might think that i wont make it on my own, but now
im stronger then yesterday, now theres nothing but my way,
my loneliness aint killin me no more. i im stronger,then i
ever thought that i could be, i use to go with the flow,
didnt really care bout me.you might think that i cant take
it but your wrong..." Brittney Spears only meaningful
words..

" ...i tried so hard and thats so far but in the end it
dosent even matter, i had to fall to loose it all but in
the end it dosent even matter..."-Linkin Park

" Real love, im searchin for a real love, someone to save
my heart...when i met you i just knew that you would take
my heart and run, until you told me how you felt for me,
you said im not the one,so i slowly came to see all of the
things that you were made of, and now i hope my dreams and
inspiritaion lead me to someone real.." Mary J Blige


well umm yea i def. have wayyyy toooo much time on my hands.
ill be leaving now

-lauren