The Journal of Greg Rodriguez
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2001-10-08 23:05:37 (UTC)

October 8, 2001 6:52 PM

Dear Journal,

Today was a strange day. For most of it, I just felt
physically and emotionally drained. Kayla and I talked for
hours last night. She and I are very similar in terms of our
thought processes, family history etc. She makes me feel
like less of a crazy individual. I think I might need to go
to therapy.

My life was a mess for a while. It's gotten better, but
it still not great. For one thing, I'm not even sure who I
am, and what the hell I want. That seems to change
day-to-day. But that I've been dealing with for what seems
like forever, so that's really nothing new. Secondly, I came
to the conclusion last night that I am in fact spiritually
empty. I have no faith in anything. With all the madness
that's been going on worldwide, it's hard for me to find
purpose in any of it. I wish I could like...find God or
something. It was drilled into my head from an early age
that there was a God, but as I get older, my doubts
increase. I'm becoming just like Dad in that respect. But
while he seems perfectly content in his atheism, I find
myself longing for the meaning of life. Maybe not even that.
Maybe I just need to feel like everything I do isn't written
off and insignificant.

I thought about Mom a lot today. Grandma sent me a
condolance card, along with a clipping of her obiturary, and
some of those religious trading card thingies with prayers
on the back. I miss my mother so much. I'm still at the
point where I think she's just a phone call away. Then I
remember. It's so not fair. How can a person like her just
not exist anymore? My mother was so important to me. I feel
like I didn't appreciate her as much as I could've. There's
also something strange I've been noticing. These past few
days, when I'm outside, I've been seeing a butterfly. It's
obviously not the same one, but it makes me think that maybe
that's Mom's way of telling me she's still around. Or maybe
I'm just reading too much into shit. Whatever, there's not
gonna be any butterflies around this week, since the
weather's starting to get cold.

Christmas will be coming soon. I was telling Kayla last
night that I don't know how I'm going to handle it. It was
Mom's favorite holiday. I think I might go to mass, just as
a small gesture. She was always trying to get me to go.
Anyway, I'll write back soon. Later.


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