lilliana

lilliana
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2001-10-08 20:43:49 (UTC)

strange fruit.

... A photographer firmly held my chin up to examine my
face. He told me to take off my glasses. I did as told
then looked steadily into his eyes. He squinted deep for a
moment then quickly murmered, "ohhh....you're beautiful." Still
grasping my chin he thrust it back and forth, up and down
much like a doctor does with a patient who complains of
neck pains. He spoke of my full mouth, my cheekbones that
are supposedly "high". Yet, while he said all of this he
looked deep into my eyes. It was weird, you know? Like he
was searching for any inner beauty. To be honest...I felt
pretty and vulnerable...two feelings that mix in a complex
way. It's always strange when people tell me Im pretty or
if I've modeled. I shake my head and laugh while I tell
them no. What I really feel like saying is, "do I look like
someone who models?" I mean, I feel ugly and weird, but
that's my own insecurities taking over. My own mother tells me
Im lucky that I haven't discovered my beauty and I have no
idea what the hell she means...she tells me something about
a Greek guy named Narcissus that like, fell in love with
his own reflection and became a slave to his sin. Vanity.
The asshole sooned became a flower (Narcissus...ta da!) and
died or something like that (sue me, I don't know my greek
mytho., okay?) Anyways, what's the point of this stupid
entry anyway, huh? I mean, God people...you must be really
bored to read this shit. The real point of this entry is
too address Lily who wrote me a beautiful response the
other day...here it is:

Please dont commit suicide-now or ever. I read your entries
and you have so many good thoughts and opinions and I can
relate to you...and if you werent here I would be so sad.
But i understand. Sometimes I hate boys so much that I
think maybe lesbians have got the right idea....but then
some stupid slut goes and takes the guy that i like, or
ditches me, or acts like a royal bitch, or just screws me
over once again.....and then i think that i will never get
married or have a boyfriend because they all suck. not just
guys, but people in general. how often is it that you find
a truly honorable person? sometimes it seems like it, but
then they just go and screw you over.......
So please know that you've always got me, you can think of
me as your little sister-though I dont know you I look up
to your words and opinions more than you know. Nothings
hopeless, except people in general...;)
~*Lily*~

Dearest Lily,
Thank you...from every corner of my 5'7 frame, for that
beautiful response. Suicide is not the answer it's
destruction. I watch that Sci-Fi show "Crossing Over" and
forgive me, I don't remember that guys name who hosts, but
he was reaching over to the "dead side" and summoning up
some dude that killed himself. The dead guy wanted to tell
his family memebers that ever since he had killed
himself...the same problems he had on earth followed him to
the other side! I dunno, but that freaked me out cause I
always thought it reverse. I thought when you commited
suicide it was over, finito, finished. I thought that your
problems were gone like your carcass...but I was wrong.
See, I believe that guy really talks to dead people and
don't ask because Im really gullible. Now, this doesn't
mean I don't have an occasional depressed day or two but
suicide is not the answer. no no no no no. After reading
your response and viewing that show I won't be thinking of
that anytime soon. As far as you being my little sister...I think
that would be kick ass cause I always dreamed of having a little
sister. Being raised up with ego tripping guys wasn't helpful
to my depression all to much. Oh well, that's that. I'll
speak with you later when I can.
lilliana
As for you diary, Im thru.


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