Ugly on the inside
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2001-10-08 17:41:25 (UTC)


i feel so gross again... my skin is all nasty again... i
feel so ugly. sometimes i want to just scratch it all off
and sadly i've tried clawing at it. i know i'm a weirdo...
the things we do to be pretty is sickening. makeup never
helps unless you've got a professional. anyways...
last night tim promised he'd call back and he knew how
extremely important it was for him to do so. needless to
say he didn't. THEN he came online and sort of talked to me
but kept sending me the wrong ims and said "thanks.. i got
to go" and i was like what the fuck? obviously i can't be
that important. my whole body aches because i feel sooo
lonely. everytime i think about it (like right now) i start
to cry. i'm tired of always being put on the back burner
until it's convienent for someone else. i can't remember
the last time someone did something for me just to be
nice... i can't even remember. i'm always some sort of
obligation. i'm starting to feel like crap again... its all
a vicious rollercoaster. i go through this every few
months. i seriously think its partly due to seasonal
depression (S.A.D.D) i just seem to be way more sensitive
to everything. i don't have anything else to focus on
yesterday i read beth's diary and she was saying thanks to
some guy who took her to her homecoming and how he's the
only person who has ever been there for her. i've been
there for her every fucking time since we were 8 years old.
every mother fucking time! and she doesn't even acknowledge
it! that's so completely unfair. god! that pisses me off so
much. there is nothing i can do but take it out on myself
like i always did.
i was thinking last night about eric and angela and how
they both do drugs now. eric was always telling me that my
cutting was a false sense of stability, hope and comfort...
and what the hell does he think drugs do? our world is full
of fucking hypocrites. i can't take this bullshit anymore.
i can no longer feel safe in this country, i can no longer
feel any sense of love towards another person, stability,
hope, contentness, and especially TRUST in anyone. everyone
has fucked me over in some way or another. i wish i knew
what to do. i wish i could move away from it all. i wish i
could figure this all out. i want to leave... NOW

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