2001-10-08 17:39:00 (UTC)

Computer Lab Reflections

Days like this the world never fails to amaze me.
Disappointment of past shitty days is forgotten because
everything is blue and gold and red with changing
leaves. The cold is refreshing, a reminder that eras
have passed and now is the time to move on and
continue with my anticipation of failure. Failure has
apparently arrived early this year. It was in the pit of my
stomach when I woke up this morning, it was in my
head and sending panicky little shockwaves to my brain
while I smoked a cigarette, and now is all around me
as I sit in school. I think it's something I will always
have to deal with, my own failures and the
disappointment I instill in others. At least I'm used to it.
It used to be such a disappointment to myself as well
as others, now I understand that I am not responsible
for making other people happy. I know what I am
capable of, I know what I can do and what I have to do
to achieve. So everyone else can fuck off, derive their
satisfaction fixes from their own minor
Shoe said painted nails was not a "me" thing. I
don't know how I'm supposed to react to that. I argued
that I paint my nails all the time, just not usually blood
red like they are now. He shrugged it off. It's not a
comment that will be bothering him for the next 48
hours. He's so blissfully oblivious to the world.
Sometimes I wish I was him. He doesn't care, but he
doesn't care because he doesn't realize. Things slip
past him completely unnoticed, and he never has to
think of them or be bothered by them. His problem is
not overanalyzation of the world like Casey and Alyssa.
His problem is ignorance. He has no idea what's going
on half the time. It could be a front, it could be a facade
like the one I wear constantly, but if that were the case
there would be signs, little hints that he drops when no
one else is paying attention. As far as I can tell, he
doesn't go out of his way to reflect on things, to mull
over people and events and situations. He's a gossip,
but nothing more. It goes only as deep as what people
did, what they said, what others did in retaliation.
There's no why they did it, what they were feeling, what
he thinks their motives were.
And now I'm overanalyzing him. I'm getting beyond
my own thoughts and I feel like I'm not giving him
enough credit.