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Diary of a liar
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2001-10-08 10:31:03 (UTC)

california blues

I moved to California a little over a month ago in hopes of
not only fufilling but also acquiring new dreams. At least
I have some plan right now...somewhat. I have decided to
go to school for one thing, and I have finally decided on a
major...hooray! Its about time. Three failed attempts at
college and now hopefully on my way to the first attempt
which will end in success. Fingers crossed. It gets lonely
in this huge house all alone. The friend I moved out here
with moved because I am a compulsive liar, I started dating
her ex-boyfriend, and because she was homesick. I wonder
which component pushed her back into her car and onto the
freeway. I'm really not as much of a piece of shit as those
things might suggest. Although I can't say I would be proud
of my life if I died today. There are so many things I've
done horribly wrong in my life...so many people I've hurt
and to whom I have lied. Some days it really bothers me and
some days it doesn't. Some days I think I'm crazy and some
days I think I am the only sane person I know. Today is one
of those "I'm the crazy one" days. I feel sad that my ex-
boyfriend, who was doing everything short of watching me
with binoculars, told me that he is no longer going to look
at our relationship as an option. What is that? Why am I
sad? I should be exploding with joy...right? I have a new,
very nice, very cute boyfriend...but...(always the "but") I
just don't feel it with him. I wouldn't feel it with my ex
either but at least it came a little closer. Ugh. I hate
these questioning-what-the-hell-I'm-doing-here days. I miss
home, I miss my friends, my family, familiar streets, the
same old same old, the boring weekends, FALL!...god I miss
the smell of decaying leaves the colors and seeing my cat
hunt through the leaves...shit, I miss my missing cat. I
really want to cry right now and I think that is just what
I will do.


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