Christine

Visions Of Life
2001-10-08 09:34:38 (UTC)

Coping With Inadequacy

Warning: This Page Is Filled With Lots Of Rambling That May
Or May Not Make Sence..

All of my life I have felt inadequate. I have felt ugly,
stupid, strange, out of place and unwanted.

Growing up, I was a loner. Still am, by the way. I
had "close" friends but they all either ditched me or moved
away. For the most part, everyone I have let get close to
me has hurt me.

Throughout school, kids always made sure that I knew that I
wasnt welcome. I was harassed for being too smart, being
too stupid, not wearing expensive clothes, being too quiet,
being too talkative,not having a southern accent, basically
anything they could come up with.

Right now I do not like the majority of humanity. I have
compassion and wish no ill will towards anyone but I do not
like people as a whole. I think people are selfish, mean
and hypocritical. I do not want to be a part of this world
but sadly, I have to be until I die. I am sick of having to
fit in. I sick of being told how to act and what to wear. I
am sick of people treating me like I dont know whats going
on. Like I dont know how to behave in public when it
matters. I am sick of people having zero confidence in me.

Now, on the flipside, I have no confidence in myself so I
guess its hard for others to. But.. part of the reason I
dont have confidence is because of others. Its a vicious
spiral.. All pointing downward.. No end..No beginning..

My own parents think Im ugly and basically tell me that
every chance they get. Never those exact words but pretty
close.

One good thing is that my dad has stopped critisizing my
appearance. After trying to mold me into some beautiful
glass sculpture since I was five, he has basically stopped
caring. Now, as long as I get a masters degree and make
millions of dollars, he will be happy. He doesnt give a
fuck what else I do. Hell, if I wanted to kill half of
Ireland he would probally supply me with the bombs.. Or at
least give me the number of someone who could..

My mom seems to hate everything about me. She is always
making comments about how she thought she did a good job of
raising me but now she knows better. She is always telling
me to change. Change my hair, change my style, go to
school, write happier, less controversial things, lose
weight because you can only be pretty if you are 100
pounds, be silent, dont express my opinions,get straight
A's, be a drug free virgin, and do everything exacally the
way she wants it, because I seem to be incompetent.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! What really bothers me is the weight
thing. She likes to push her issues onto me and assumes
that I am unhappy. I am happier now then I have been for
awhile. Its quite a nice change to not be throwing up every
time you eat or living on 200 calories a day. Its nice not
crying because I ate a piece of bread. All of that was
crazy behavior and I fucked myself up because of it. I
fucked up my stomach by taking Ipetac(spelling?) syrup and
I was always blacking out. Now, that was awhile ago. I know
that sooner or later I will probally return to some sort of
obbsessive habit because I can barely take all this
pressure to be anorexic looking. Maybe people would shut up
about my appearance if I looked like one of those anorexic
abercrombie bitches. God Damn.. I dont care that I am ugly.
I care about my own family making me feel bad about my self
but I can handle being ugly if people would just shut up
about it. I hope Im not around during thanksgiving because
I dont feel like dealing with the rest of my family. They
also critisize my appearance. The only time I have received
a compliment from them was when i was a prep.. and a size
two.. and wouldnt eat. And of course I still felt ugly. I
cried because a size 3 dress didnt fit over my chest. It
was horrible. But like I said, I can deal with how I am now
as long as people around me shut the fuck up..

Oh, by the way.. never take ipetac syrup unless you have
been poisoned. That stuff makes your whole body ache. You
feel like you are going to die and cant stop throwing up
for 30 min. Then you have a headache for the rest of the
night. Not a normal headache. It feels like your brain is
being crushed and your skull is expanding. Not a pleasant
feeling...

Onward to Happier Times.. The PRESENT!! yay!!Note the
literary sarcasm..

Right now I classify myself as a closet freak. I kind of
like that. My parents dont give me too much shit about my
apparel and I still feel unique. Id prefer to remain
totally goth and punk all the time but I kinda lost my
nerve after being harassed too many times.. I just want to
vanish into the shadows. I dont want people to notice me.
It they dont see me then they cant hurt me.. But, on
occassion when I dress like my true self, it makes me
happy. I get a sick pleasure out of peoples disappointment
and shock.. not sure why..

Wow.. Im still rambling... Better stop.. I will ramble more
later.. send me comments.. oh, and i have private entries
of anyone wants to read them..