Wandering Soul

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2001-10-08 08:15:58 (UTC)

Professional Help

--I don't know. I really..honestly don't know anymore. I
fell there's something wrong with me. In a sense..I'm too
proud to admit this. To my boyfriend, family, or friends.
But what do I do? Keep it bottled up? That's exactly how I
ended up in this hell-pit.
Now, keep in mind of myself, and that this could just be
one of my regular off-track spins. What is unusual is that
I haven't even turned my head toward depression's lane for
a long while. Now I'm stuck wallowing in my own pain again.
Maybe he was right..
Peter, of course. An ex. One to stay an ex, as we no longer
speak, and maybe that's part of the problem. I don't speak
to any of my ex's..hell, some have died since we broke up,
that's a great feeling. You break up with someone and they
kill themselves. Woohoo. That'll make your fucking day. -
turns away, coughing-
I wish I could see Sarah..or Peter, or even go bug Gordon
and find out what's eatin' at him these days. I don't
really know. Something inside me wants to speak to Peter
again, and I know my heart aches for the pain I caused
Sarah..Damned life.
At the same time, I feel like..who cares? I mean, I'm
stronger then that right? I should move on, forget
completely..yet I've been trying since January of this
year, and I haven't yet. I'm still hurting. Why? He doesn't
mean anything to me. I turned him away when he came back
after he left. I just wanted to finish crying and be done
with this, I feel like I haven't stopped crying yet.
And of course the attacks aren't exactly bringing the peace
any closer. Now my current boyfriend, once he graudates, is
going to be shipped off to fucking basic, oh goody, here
comes another chance for another significant other to die.
I swear..Maybe it's me.
Oh well, at least I know Peter's still alive. I just wish I
could send him a letter or something, just to say hey. Find
out what's up with him these days, ask what he's feeling
about the attacks..
Of course that's not me. I couldn't even if I wanted to.
I'd break down, like I always do.
So why the hell am I just..wallowing like this? Maybe it's
the music, -taps the FF7 disk case- Maybe it's just that
it's 3 fucking am in the morning..maybe it's all the pain
everyone is feeling for those who lost families in the
attacks..maybe it's drill team..maybe it's Grades..maybe
it's just me.
And that's where I am. Maybe it's me. So do I get help? I
want to, but..no I don't. I don't want help..I don't want
anything..food, air, sleep, love, emotion..none of it. I
just want to lie back and never wake up again.
Well, looks like I get to give up my sword again. Maybe
this time around I won't actually try to kill myself. heh,
wouldn't that be a nice change.
Something about death is so..intriguing. The past few
months I have paced my floor, listening to songs like "The
greatest man I never knew", "Do I ever cross your
mind?", "The Light in your eyes", etc..playing in the
background. The worst has been Braveheart. Goddess that
music cuts my heart left and right.
Anyway..
The past few months I've paced my floor, holding an
imaginary knife..slitting my wrists and watching the
invisible blood flow..smiling at it's calming presence, and
toppling to the floor, closing my eyes, and..praying for
death.
There has to be something wrong with me..I want to overdose
on pills, and go peacefully in my sleep..leave a few
notes..or go out like Sarah..and just shove a sword through
my heart. Or hell, I could go out enjoying myself..bouncing
on my trampoline..accidently flip off the trampoline and
land on my head..
-sighs-
The only real thing stopping me right now is the idea of
how much this would hurt my Mom..I can't imagine inflicting
any more emotional pain on her..I was hurtful enough as a
child..But damnit..I just want to let all this go..I don't
want to live anymore..this isn't..life..this is monotonous
walking of day-to-day routine..
Damnit..now I'm crying. Ah..well, I needed to anyway..maybe
I can get this pain out and go to sleep..ha. Nice dream, at
least.
I want to go lie down, and just imagine myself
dieing..damnit it's calming when I think about it..
I want to leave this world..I've had enough..I'm sick of
being tossed back and forth between divorced parents..I'm
tired of being emotionally battered by a brother living in
another fucking state..I'm sick of step-parents and
significant others of my parents..and I'm tired of bearing
the weight of anothers' death from your leaving them..
...
..
I'm going back to Norman in a few days, and all I can think
is..I don't want to run into my b/f's ex. She lives there,
not even a mile from my house..And I know damn well she'll
try to fuck with me if she knows I'll be in town. She's
cruel like that at times. heh. I've got half a mind to give
her a reply to the letter she left for me on my past
birthday..
Decided to tell me how cold and heartless I was..Just how
much of a backstabber I was..how Sarah's death was my
fault..and decided to tell me exactly the things I didn't
tell Sarah..that I left her for another man, that I
couldn't give up my life for her, that she wasn't worth my
time..heh..Yeah right, Bunny. -sighs, wiping away tears-
I don't know whether to put this diary on private or
public..
Doesn't matter to much.
I need to get over this before Tuesday..I don't want people
asking me what's wrong at school..I hate people. Too
prying. Too ignorant.
Wow my neck hurts..I swear, my body's practically falling
apart. my right leg and arm hurt like a sonofa.. Alligeries
are killing me and my neck's killing me now.
I wonder what Ozzie's up to..Peter's friend, last I
checked. Course..that was last YEAR. Who knows. People
change. Wish I could. Change right into the obituaries.
I miss Glenn..Damnit..I need him right now..I need to be
held..I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm hurting..and I need to be
reassured I'm needed..and that someone cares about me..I
really..really wish I felt okay..
There are so many times I've asked myself.."I've taken her
name, why can't I take her fate?"
..Mainly referring to my most known 'online name' of Aeris.
Holy Knight Aeris, for those of you who're wondering now.
Yeah..That silly little squire's still around here, still
stuck in the same tree, watching snowflakes fall around a
crying figure holding a small kitten, being watched over by
a shadowy figure of light..
heh..-sighs- Yeah, Pete, I might still have that message
history..might have tossed it..Makes me wonder if we ever
did find out the exact date of our anniversary..How long
would we have been together now if we stayed with it?
..Damn, a long while..I'm too fucked right now to think it
out..I wonder how long we made it. I stopped counting the
month you disappeared. Who the hell am I talking to,
anyway? Like you're reading this..
-sits back, idling fondling a picture of her Mom in high
school- Funny how life works out. Makes me wish it didn't
work out. But then..I know I'd miss my Mom, and Dad..
I wish divorce was illegal or something..
-sigh-
I want to go slit my wrists..or at least stab my hands a
little..the pain would be..beautiful. I wish Glenn were
here..but no, I don't..I wouldn't want him to worry about
me..no one needs to worry about me..everyone has their own
problems. I don't need to be a problem.
I really wanna talk to Major right now..ROTC
instructor..He's cool. Really nice guy. Strong handshake.
Someone you can talk to.
I wish I could talk to him right now..
Last time this happened I called my Mom around 3AM,
bawling..I don't want to wake her up again. I couldn't ask
that.
So I guess I'll just go lay down..-looks away- I need my
Glenn..-fights tears, walking off-

Sayonara.
-Wanderer


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