Ramblings of a Mom
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2001-10-08 06:26:27 (UTC)

okay, wiping up the tears

Gosh, deep breath! Just when I think that I am only doing
this to vent and for personal gain, a therapy you could
call it, a total stranger drops me just a very brief
feedback response, and I am brought to tears. This person,
who knows who they are, and I shall leave them nameless
(although I don't have anything but an email address on
them), just takes a moment of time out of their precious
lives to let me know that I am okay. And to you, I salute
you, and I thank you, you have no idea what that does for
me! I know that this is not the first time that we have
corresponded, but again, I thank you! It's kinda like
receiving a combination virtual hug and affirmation from a
total stranger. I hope that you understand that!
Okay, moving on, shucks, if I can only pull myself together
to do this now.....ummm hmmmmm...
Alrighty then, the cereal stuff....heheh, serious stuff, I
read all about my first building block called denial. I
learned some very important things tonight. For example, a
great analogy of relationships/marriages is this: Think of
it as a bridge (ya know, like 'Love can build a bridge' by
the Judds?). Each person are the posts of the bridge, the
foundations, so to speak, and the actual causeway in
between them is the relationship. So, obviously, each of
these 'posts' or partners in the relationship need to be
pretty solid, so that the bridge (relationship) won't
falter and fall into the water.
Hmmmmm, so my first thought is, the norm, what if I had
done this, what if I had done that, would my husband and I
have made it? The book says, hey, get out of your self-
misery and move on!!!! It's not alll your fault! Oh my
God, it was like this one statement just jumped right out
at me. It said "Many people have not freed themselves from
their parents' influence when they marry. Such a person
may later decide to dump a love partner." I was like,
hello!!! When my husband and I were first living together,
he would leave our apt., go drop off my step-son at school,
and go to his mother's EVERY morning for coffee before
going to work! EVERY morning! What is up with that?
Well, there's my first clue that my ex didn't have an
identity outside being his mother's son. It was sooo bad,
that my parents bought him a small coffeemaker (one of
those 4 cup models) so he'd take a hint and stay home to
drink his coffee!!! Needless to say, he stopped going to
his mom's every morning for coffee, but he never opened
that coffeemaker either!
Something funny I read was that one of the writers of this
book wrote a paper on divorce titled "The basic cause of
divorce is marriage." Doesn't that say it all? How funny
is that? Another very real but yet humorous statement that
I read was "A team of horses will not pull a very big load
when one of the horses is lying down." So true, so true!
This was in reference to couple's counseling, that it only
works if both parties want to try, and in my/our case, I
had a very big (6'3") horse lying down!
Through this chapter, I have learned a lot. My natural
tendency is to just shut down, hide from, even refocus to
something else, when the pain gets to be too much. Well, I
have been told 'stay out of the if only game' and don't let
my pain drive me into a cave, use it for motivation. Hmmm,
I'll have to think about that one.

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