Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
2001-10-07 23:52:08 (UTC)

Oh me, oh my!!!!

Well, sorry for the delay in recent postings, it just seems
that there is always something else going on!!!
The last few days have been a pretty good collaboration of
both good and bad things in my life! Let's see, on the
good side, I finished my class for my DWI, and took my test
today and only missed one question, WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!! So,
when I go into my hearing on Wednesday, I can show that I
am really trying to learn from my mistake(s) and do better
for the future!
Okay, one good thing begets one bad thing -- it appears
that my best girlfriend thinks that I have somehow betrayed
her or am not doing right by her somehow. I admit, I have
not been as easily available recently, but that has been
the same for everyone around me! I am honestly trying to
give everyone equal time, so to speak, but I am also trying
to make sure that I take care of myself, too. I don't
think that I am wrong for that. In recent years and
relationships, I have a tendency to look soooo much into
someone else's life, that I forget about my own. I focus
so much on their problems, it's easier than facing or
dealing with my own. And, for once, I am trying to deal
with my own life first!
I feel so good, finally analyzing my life and the choices
that I have made along the way, learning how to make better
choices for the future. I am finally getting counseling
and really studying things about my divorce recovery and my
drinking.
I have learned that the first of my 19 'building blocks' to
recovery from my divorce is Denial. "I can't believe that
this is happening to me." And boy howdy, have I ever been
there! With everything, with my drinking, with my feelings
about other people, you name it, I've done it!
I went through quite a bit of denial when my husband left
me, and now that I am past that denial, I went through some
other denials. Now, I am learning that I would be just
fine if D and I never worked out to being together again,
it seems that him and his internet girlfriend may actually
work out after all, and while I am in this process of
education and self-discovery, I am probably better off
alone.
Don't get me wrong, I would love to have someone in my life
that I could love and who could love me back, but hey, if
it's meant to happen, it will. I just know that when I do
get involved with someone again, whether it is D, my ex-
husband, or someone entirely different, it will not be a
life or death, do or die situation.
I will not ever get sooo involved with someone else that I
lose myself in the process, that I forget who I am by
myself, as an individual. The only person (or people, as
the case may be) that needs that kind of attention from me
would be my child(ren). So, for the time being, I better
sign off before I bore you. I will write more later.




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