A Crazy Persons Thoughts
2001-10-07 21:57:40 (UTC)

I really do think im quite insane

I'm one of those people who always get's in bad
relationships. I always told myself i would never do that.
I've watched my sister go from one depressed musician to
another. But the thing is, that's what im doing. Mark was
my last boyfriend. He shot himself. And i really did love
him. We understood each other. Probably cuz we both have
serious problems. His family didn't want him. My family
doesn't want me.
See the thing is, my family stopped being a family
after my dad died. Mom got a boyfriend and got sick of
raising me. Sheri loves me, but then she calls me a bitch
the next minute, so who knows. I am my grandmothers least
favorite grandchild, and i always hear it. And Debbi got
married to Brian. I love them the most, and im perfectly
devoted to the both of them. But she moved out when they
got married, so hear i am. Pretty much alone in the house.
Maybe that's why im the way i am. No one cares enough to
help me grow up, and really i dont know how to do it
myself. I mean, i haven't ever grown up before. How am i
supose to know what to do?
So i started cutting like a year ago. It made me feel
better. I liked the scars it left on my arms. I liked the
pain it caused. It felt better than what was eating my
insides away. And then a felt really bad about it. I wanted
to tell someone I did it. I knew it was wrong. So,
remembering what my cheer coach told us about coming to her
when we had problems, i gave her a call.
Worst mistake i ever made. She was very concerned, and she
cried a little for me, but she betrayed me afterwards. You
see, she thought i was doing so wonderfull after dad died.
She was so proud of me for taking it the way i did. But
now, her whole illusion was shattered, and she lost all
respect in me. She said she would help me with school work,
and she would be on my side. I promised her i wouldn't do
it anymore. Then she embarrased me in front of the entire
cheer squad. She broke her promise to help me, so i broke
my promise to stop.
I even told my mom about cutting. Much good that did. She
got kind of angry, then did nothing about it. I've asked
her so many times to get me a therapist. She doesn't care
enough to bother. she just runs away from the fact that im
desprately grabbing for some form of reality.
And everything makes me so angry. I feel like cussing all
the time. Nothing else seems to describe the anger inside
of me. Anger for not being taken care of, anger for people
ignoring my cry for help. Sometimes i just want to grab my
razor, hold it to my wrist in front of my mom and say, "get
me a fucking therepist or i swear to god, ill slit my
wrist" but i dont do that. One, cuz i love my mother
despite all that, and two because i am a christian, no
matter how crazy i am. and i know that saying all of that
would be wrong.
It's hard to be a christian and have all these problems. I
sometimes think, would a good christian have problems like
this? how can god be with me and still i have this feeling
inside of me like something is trying to tear me up inside?
i want to be a good christian, and i was at one point. Mrs
Cobb says i have prophetic abilities. I can talk to god and
hear his voice. Literally. But in order to do that, i have
to listen to his voice. He doesn't force it on me. And
right now, i just dont want to talk with god. I feel so
crappy every time i do. Like how can god want to talk to me
if i cant even face him?
Life sucks. I feel like shit pretty much all the time.
happy birthday to me...

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