shifting mists
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2001-10-07 06:36:36 (UTC)

hope for deliverance ...


... from family to friends to lovers and partners ... both male and
female ... the people that i am emotionally attached to both
presently as well as in my past ... those people that i've put my
trust into ... let myself become vulnerable to in some way ... they
always seem to change after a time .... and hurt me ... perhaps
change is not the right word, but rather maybe revealed a part of
themselves that they had hidden before then ... that their "masks"
crumbled .... or at least that's what i used to think .... but i
wonder if it wasn't perhaps that they just slowly went from
that "honeymoon phase" of best behaviour to being their natural
self ... flaws and all .... and that one of those flaws was/is
abusive behavior ...

Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.

... abuse that is ... verbal ... emotional .. physical ...
sexual .... is it any wonder that i have such issues with trust and
friendship? ... with people in general? ... is it any wonder that i
doubt my own judgments sometimes when it comes to others? ... that my
self esteem is lacking? ...

All of my life i've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that i've found you,
i know that you're the one to pull me through.

... frighteningly we are talking about quite a large number of
people ... as in approximately 95% or more of the people i have been
close to in my entire life ... with such a high percentage how could
i not be cautious and paranoid? ...

... i mean ... really ... how many times do you get punched in the
face before you begin flinching at every raised fist you
encounter? .... it's conditioning ... it's brainwashing ...

Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that i'm bearing.

... yeah ... i know ... i said that word .... the word that makes
people sneer and blow you off when you are speaking to them about
domestic violence and abuse ... brainwashing .... shrugging ... but
that's exactly what it is ... numerous scientific studies bring prove
it .... that the patterns and methods used are identical to those
used on soldiers in p.o.w. camps .... brainwashing .... that is
exactly what happens when things are drilled into you over and over
until you believe them ... words and actions that convince someone
that they are unworthy, inferior, ugly, stupid, pathetic, fat,
unwanted, etc...

All of my life i've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that i've found you,
i know that you're the one to pull me through.

.. Jeremy, i have faith and trust in you ... that you are not going
to change into yet another of these abusive people ... that if i were
to recognize behavior that i felt for whatever reason might be close
to crossing the line that we could talk about and resolve the
issue ... please understand that my hypersensitivity and paranoia on
this issue is due to my experiences and my past ... not anything that
i've seen or experienced with you .... and as time goes on ... as i
continue to defeat the brainwashing with the help of your love and
support ... as we are together longer and longer .... those fears and
worries, those internal scars, will slowly begin to fade ....

.. i love you ..

Lyrics courtesy of the song "Deliver Me" by Sarah Brightman