2001-10-07 06:20:48 (UTC)


I know these tears need to fall, but they won't. I don't
know why I even put myself in this situation in the first
place. Okay, I got a chance to see Leroy...but not how I
wanted to. I should have known that he wasn't feeling the
same about seeing me because if he did....he would have
made an effort to. It was my slip in the game.....not fall.

Right now, I feel hurt in my heart....but because of the
person I am compared to the person I was last year....I
can't cry about this. I feel the tears there, but they
aren't coming. I think the biggest thing that I keep
thinking about is why he would say one thing and do
another. Lying to my face hurts me more than anything. That
just puzzles me. I can't even explain all that is going on
inside my head right now.....nor what's in my heart. I
didn't kiss him tonite...I didn't hug him. It wasn't hard
for me to get out of the car. I'm not really mad at him or
anything. It's just after all this time...why does he still
lie to me like this. The shit is pointless! I'm not his
girl...I don't claim to be....but he still feels as though
he has to lie to me to make it sound good to me. I don't
want to hear his bullshit anymore. I don't feel like
talking to him anymore. For one, people like him...I don't
speak to them at school....I'm not making the exception for
Leroy anymore. The only thing that keeps him apart from the
rest of the dudes I talk to is the fact that he was my
first experience...sexually wise....I didn't say I had sex
with him now! I don't even want him that way anymore. I
loved that boy so much....I cared about him. I don't
understand how that didn't withstand all this shit. I
didn't pressure him to be with me. I didn't want a
relationship from him. What we HAD was all I needed...it
was just as long as he was in my life. I don't want him
there anymore. He's hurt me more than enough....I just
can't take it anymore. I fooled myself thinking that it
wouldn't happen anymore.

This is all I can say:

Leroy, you probably don't know exactly what you did
or you don't care. I'm hurting right now and I can't even
explain all of this. I don't know why what happened tonite
all of sudden set this off inside me. Maybe it's what
needed to happen for me to finally open my eyes. I don't
really know. But I was your fool....I didn't go to the
extremes that Scoop did...that's not my style and my mother
taught me better than that....I was your fool because I
believed some of the things you said. Friendship? BULLSHIT
to me now. Friends don't do things like this to each other.
I know we crossed the line of friendship, but that
shouldn't matter. All I wanted was friendship and I guess
you.....I can't speak for you. But I can only do this so
many times for someone, and I definitely over did this shit
for you. I'm finished with it. I bow out. I don't have
anything else to say about it.....Jocelyn