Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
2001-10-07 04:11:43 (UTC)

'Maybe thats all he needs'

Lisas here. :-D Im happy she is. Her flight got
cancelled last night because of fog and she issed her
flight from Newark to Tampa, because her plane was late.
So she got to fly 1st class and got her at 522pm. It was
600 when we got to the car. The car ride was hell. Like,
Mom , I think she was saying she wasnt mad when lisa called
earlier, she was upset about the notice she got because dad
isnt paying the credit council people. And, like, this
started when we got arount downtown Tampaish. I think.
And like, I remember saying how i dont want leigh ann and
them to suffer and lisa saying for dads in deep crap as far
as getting put in jail or garnished wages and stuff. In a
way, I feel like his support only makes this harder, keeps
strings attached. Id prefer it that were dirt poor in a
trailer, then middle calss listeing to mom bitch about
bills and support payments. Then comes the part where i
felt like lisa punched me in the heart. *tries not to
cry* Like, im the type of person that would rather suffer
than see others suffer. Like, she was saying how we should
be worried about us, about how he should support us, about
college. We should be having a childhood, not have the
stress of worrying about bills and stupid stuff. And like,
I said something aobut college, and mom said that we should
be talking about thinks like that, and that was a blow
because every time that i mention it she gets pissed, and
like, she asked me wht i wanted to do, and i didnt knwo
waht i want to do. It hink i want to go to nazareth...
thats my dream-- right?? Shopudl I go 2 years to a
community college and then nazareth, or all 4 at nazareth?
How will i pay for it? I need to get a job... buy a car
abd save up for college. What about having fun? I cant.
My childhood was raped from me, its gone. I never had the
chance o be a kid, i always had the weight of this, or a
brother leaving, or a sister having kids. So much of
everythign is a lie. Phillip doesnt have the same dad as
mandie and westin. dad has a big house, so i hear, but he
cant afford his bills, and has sto get a second job...
*sigh* Why do i have to be such a fucking screw up? Why
is mom so mean to me when i try to be nice to her? What
did i do? Why does ashley yell at me when i try ot get
close to her? Why is colleen so sad? Why idd i even
bother writing a short lil list of things i wanted for my
bday, (there wree like, 3) only to have it end up in my
room? And mom to say i didnt even write on,a nd that she
hasnt even started shopping yet. Colleen said she did.
Mom said im easy to shop fro because theres a lot i need.
All i need is for her to love me, for this family to love
me, to notice that im dying inside, to ask me if im okay,
to wonder why im always alone all the time. To not always
fight with me, To not hate me. To not have to fight tears
every night becasue i feel liek a fuck up and everythings
all wrong. I just want the truth. Im sick of the lies. I
want truth.

In bob evans this morning, there was this crazy guy next to
us, but thats another story. Mom said something about
depression, adn i actually openly admitted taht i think i
suffer from it- Ive denied it for so long- and she said 'i
think you do too.' But she wont do anything about it. Get
me some pills or something!!! I try really hard to be
happy, i really do. I pretend I am, sometimes, just
because i knwo if i pretend hard enough, i really will be.
But the stupidest things set me off, and I battel it, i
realyl do. I dont wanna be swad, i dont want to be hurt,a
nd i dont want to be alone. But I have God, right? I'll
always have God...

I feel so weak. I started crying. how could I have
cried? This isnt taht big of a deal. People have it
worse. Others are dealing with this, and theyre not crying.

DAMMIT. I dotn wanna grow up. why god, why? I dotn wanna
get a job, i dotn wanna get a permit. I dotn want to
become what i hate.

Mom wouldnt let me get a shirt that had a skull on it and
said 'GP Punk High School' on it, because it and a skull on
it. I was like, whatever. I knwo I love God, and am a
good person. What do clothes have to do with it?

Im so tired... so very tired...

*sigh* Were probably going to vero tomorrow. *sigh* Why
cant i stay home? I hat shopping, i dont liek the beach.
Too many people, too many sharks, too much of my family,
too many memories. I like to be alone. I blend in with
society so i can be left alone. Or, im like me, a
freak/punk child. I prefer punk. No onve messes with
punks, theyre 'outsiders'. Thats me, and outsider. A
smart outsider that is good for a laugh or two or a few
answers on homework of various sorts. Im the one you come
to wher you need someone to tell your problems to, i tell
you how to solve them, and then you pat me on the back and
never talk to me agian. I have this horrible bain of
understanding waht people need and how they can solve thier
problems. I hate living other peoples lives. I hat being
bossy. But i guess tahts how I am. school has conditoned
me into analyzing a situation-is that bad or good? God
gave me a softness-an ablility to explain things to people,
from emotional problems to math work, because i see things
from a different angle and i understand people. Then
again--

Wheres the truth from the lies??

Truth: I love matt (with all of me, and so very very much)
Truth: He loves me
Truth: Mary is my best friend...
Truth: Will is an awesome friend, and i can trust him
Truth: So is Val, and I can trust her

Currently, thats all i knwo is truth. And that these 4
people woudlnt lie to me, right?? mary does alittle when
she wont admit whats wrong,a nd when shes not okay and
tells me she is... is that lying??

I lie to myself all the time... but i wont lie to anyone
else. Is that hypocritical?

Ashley said to me, in the airport, 'id hate to see you and
matt break up'. I smiled slightly, and said,'why?'. She
said that matta nd I woudl whine about how we missed each
other, and ahts we love each other, etc. i said that i
could think of anything or any reason we would break up.
the i said, 'but im his first girlfriend'. She said,'maybe
thats all he needs.'

Maybe that is all he needs. I know hes all i need. Him,
and God. I love both of them so much, with all my heart.
God is alreay infused with my soul, he payed a price for my
soul, and he bought it. And matt is the one i want to
spend the rest of my life with. and im sorry i whine so
much... i really am an unappreciative brat. But i have to
spill it sometimes... so i dont explode. Thanks for
listenign to me whine.

Later