Sarah's Journal
2001-10-07 03:41:57 (UTC)

REAL entry

I'm not sure how this will go. All I knwo is that it will
be very stream of consciousness. Maybe I'll start spurting
random poetic lines; who knows. But it's me. Real, raw
me. I'm not going to worry about who will read this or
what they will think, only that i am honest with myself. I
always wanted to get the organization to keep a diary, for
ME, and damn it - I'm going to do it!
So, here I am. Saturday night, 11:12 PM, on my computer.
I love my family. I have the most amazing family. In
fact, because of that, it bothers me that I feel I need
love from anywhere else. I've got everything I need right
here . . . right? So, my mom, sister, and I are
watching "Someone Like You" (adorable movie, I wish I could
be as cute as Ashley Judd for FIVE minutes!), and my sister
is lying with her head on my leg, and I'm sitting there
running my fingers through her hair . . . sigh. I've got a
great family.
And friends? Wow! Tj came over and said he'd only stay 20
minutes. But how long idd he stay? probably an hour or
so. He went with my mom and I to see my brother off to his
junior homecoming at some girl's house, which took a while,
and then took my sister and I to drug mart to rent some
movies. And never complained once. I am so very lucky to
have a friend like him. He's amazing. I feel badly
because I feel like sometimes I get all wrapped up in my
new "great" friendships with people that I leave him
behind, take him for granted. I need to stop doing that.
He's the best.
Missy's great too, this is the beginning of a great
Nick I will get to later . . . I've got other things to
cover first.
So Ryan and I were supposed to go out last night. But that
didn't happen. Why? I don't know. Pissed me off at
first, but then I got to hang out with Scott. Besides,
it's Ryan's loss - not mine. I always knew Scott had
feelings for me, and last night I finally got him to admit
it. Not that it matters, and I kind of feel bad, because
he finally is with someone and I am SOOOOO happy for him.
If Scott and I were ever single at the same time, a date
would be a definite consideration. I think that besides
TJ, he's the only friend of mine that has seen me really
hig and really low and still think I'm great . . . no, I am
wrong . . . and here comes Nick.
I love him. What more can I say other than that I love
him? Well, lots - you know me, I never shut up. NEVER
(ok, so that was for Missy, but it's the only thing in this
entry that's for anyone else ;-). BUT . . . and as much
as I hate it, BUT Nick is special. anyone who knows me
knows I "fall in love" with everyone who is a boy. I
think "Öh, he's the one!!!" NOT! But at that time I think
so. So, maybe I am talking out of my ass this time too.
But I'm not . . . how do I know? Because in all reality,
Nick is not perfect. In all my idealism, he is still not
perfect. But, I love him, and I love him for his
imperfections. I love that he is not everything I have
always dreamed of, because I dreamed that before. Before I
started to know who I was. And I am not done knowing who I
am yet, but I do know that Nick is a lot closer to what I
should want than what I used to think I wanted. People
always are telling me "you and Nick make no sense. You
have nothing in common." Those are usually people who
don't know at least one of us very well. Sure, he's
crazier than I. Sure, he can be more childish than me.
He's got a more adventuresome appetite. I'm more picky.
He loves large groups, I love small ones. He loves to play
video games, I actually think they're cool to watch even
though I've got 15 left thumbs when it comes to playing
them. But there's something about when we look at each
other, something about his hugs and his voice . . . ugh,
maybe I'm crazy. I can probably love someone besides
Nick . . . but not right now. I'm not ready. He's the
only boy I am ready for right now . . . and the truth is, I
don't need anything else even if I can't have him. I CAN,
believe it or not, survive outside the walls of a
relationship. I am not just some silly, obsessive girl. I
have a great soul and am great alone. So, if Nick's
decision is to see me, then fine . . . yay!!!!!!! hehe.
BUT, if he still needs time, then the boy needs time,
right? who am I to take it from him? I'm not saying I'd
be happy . . . I don't want him to love anyone but me. Aw,
heck - I don't even want him to LIKE anyone but me . . .
but that's me being selfish. He's one of the most amazing
friends I've ever had. He and TJ . . . well, TJ comes just
over Nick, but not by much. Do you have any idea the
selfish, cold-hearted, closed-minded things I've said to
him? Do you know how much un-needed pressure I've put him
under? I have not bee so great to him. I have not been so
fair. I'm not saying he's been perfect either, but neither
have I. So I am wrong. And I will print this out and read
it to him, because he deserves to know. You know what
though? He probably knows. He knows me so well. It's
scary sometimes . . . but I don't have to tell him most
things. He's just like "Sarah - I KNOW." I usually take
it as him being cocky, but I forget that he really does
know. He's very sarcastic with me . . . and I should be
used to it . . . and to be truthful, I am. Sometimes he's
difficult with me, and for some reason, even though I KNOW
it is a joke, I get really pissed off. Just for the sake
of being mad him or something? I don't know. Maybe I just
want attention, and I dont'think I can get it by being
myself. But I could. Dammit, Sarah . . . he's amazing.
He has so much life, so much vitality, so much spirit . . .
don't hate that his life doesn't revolve around you, love
it! Celebrate it! Granted, it would be nice for a few
minutes if someone worshipped the ground you walked on, but
after a while it would get old. He wants me to be myself,
and I want him to be himself. I am going to especially try
not to be such a brat about him.
Well, anyhow, this is REALLY long-winded. Need to sleep on
the couch and wait for Danny to get home.
Good night all . . .