Kiss Miss Moo
2001-10-07 03:14:17 (UTC)

I guess I had more to say.

It's been so damn long since I've written freely. Now it
wants to come tumbling out.

John came by today even though I told him I was keeping
Katie. He wanted to eat, but I didn't want to go with him.
This just isn't going to work, I know it isn't. I'll never
be able to break free like this. He keeps calling, dropping
by, wanting to SEE me, go out to lunch, like we haven't had
the many conversations we've been having for 16 months. He
doesn't want to let go of me. I know that's what it is.

Meanwhile, I know I can't make this transition alone. I
know I will need help to get over the hurdle. The only way
to do that is to get interested in somebody else. And I am
interested in somebody else. I just can't bring myself to
go out with him. It feels too hard. It feels awkward, even
though I think about it when I go to sleep at night. I
think about what it would be like. And I like being able to
think about that.

I couldn't tell Rorey that we are separated. He is at
school at the Academy. And he's having some stress. But I
couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I am just too
ashamed over the whole thing still. Although today, I felt
the difference, I felt like I could actually say "divorce."
I could say, that's what I will do.

I saw "The Pillow Book." That was about the weirdest
freaking movie I have seen in a while. I don't know what
that was all about. Way way sexy, for sure, this weird
thing of writing on skin and having banshee sex. But I
identified with her need to write. I liked her comparisons
for the love of writing. Writing on paper. That's a lost
art. Like anyone writes on paper anymore. She wrote on
skin, like it was a big turn on for her. Whatever.

But it made me feel very very oversexed. It's been so long
since I've felt sexual. For so many years, I've felt fucked
or felt like wanting to fuck. But I want the sensual
experience, the feel of tongue on skin, soft sucking. My
nipples ache to think about it. Soft big lips over my eyes,
on my nipples. The feel of long fingers tracing my body,
over my most aching parts. Before you even get penetration,
I just want to feel all of this, just the skin of sex. The
warmth of sex, that makes the hairs rise up and makes me
shiver. The feel of a warm hard man's body cupping me from
behind. The feel of his hairy chest on my back, his breath
on my neck. To hear him moan and sigh in my ear. I miss
that so much. I just miss a man's strong hands all over my
body. It aches to miss it this much. Just watching them
move against each other in the movie pretty much put me
over the edge. I love the weight of a man's body on me,
against me, being enveloped completely, being held, filled,
and played, being at the mercy of his moving against me. I
miss it so much.