lauren s

..always something new..
2001-10-07 02:55:28 (UTC)

entry#10... im going crazy

I dont know what it is exactally but i cant stand not
having a boyfriend anymore.. i want to be with Bruce still,
I also want to be with Chris. But Bruce has a comitment
problem and Chris decided to go out with some ugly chick so
Im left here with no one and im really upset. I feel really
lonely. Now little things make me want a boyfriend. Our
mall just opened and all i can think about is going there
with some guy to shop. Weird? I dont know.. its all pretty
logical if u ask me. I need someone and right now i have no
one. I want to spend christmas and by birthday with someone
really special, someone i care about and feels the same way
about me. How come i cant find anyone like that? I mean yeh
i can easily pick up a man formyself but the problem is
finding someone i actually like and someone who i think
about all the time, someone who makes me smile and feel
good whenever someone mentions his name. Someone to call me
and bring me places to buy me stuff. Someone to make me
feel important and to protect me. I want someone to come
with me to pick out clothes and to tell me i look pretty
and to make me excited to do little things like go to the
store for someone.. just because he will be with me. I
really want that. I want it a lot and right now thats all i
can think about because being lonely just isnt working for
me. But for some odd reason the mall ... its like the one
place i really want to go with a guy. I guess its weird but
i dont know. I tell myself i should stop being so picky but
its just not something you can tell yourself to get rid of
because to one person you might seem picky but in
actuallity your just setting standards wich everyone should
have and i guess mine are just a little higher then others.
Wich makes me mad when i finally find someone and they dont
like me back, because i feel like i weeded through all
thoes loosers to find one guy who i can see myself with and
they dont appreciate it .. they dont appreciate me like i
appraciate them. Its quite fusturating. Hmmm I made a vow
to myself, that i will find my man by christmas. I dont
know how lucky i will be but its a goal i have set.I just
need a man, and trust me i will be trying 100percent to get
someone who respects me and who wants a relationship with
me just as bad as i want one with him. What makes this a
little harder on me is the fact that i dont have my eyes on
anyone at all .. no one in particular. I thought i was in
love with Bruce but love is a word i think i use too
loosly, because all it was was infatuation and i got over
it though not all the way. Then i liked chris and I knew i
didnt love the kid but i liked him sooo sooo much and the
fact that everyone told me that both these guys were going
to work out with me just got my hopes up, but like i said
about chris, he picked some younger ugly girl who makes me
mad just to look at her. I mean what is wrong with me,
every time i look at the girl i think how lucky she is and
how she probably dosent even care who shes going out with.
Worst part is i saw them together holding hands today at
the mall. I was like how come they go to the mall
together... and im with my friend Amanda who i honestly
cant stand. I felt horrible. This is so tough.I dont know
what to do, im not going to give up tho because I want a
guy wayyyy too bad to do that. I hope things will work out
for me. O well ill update you if anything interesting
happens to me.