Kyden Conformity

self destruction introduction
2001-10-06 20:33:47 (UTC)

I love a girl with a heart of love, no feeling, no heart.

After my last entry Steph and I went to one of her lectures
together, it was really boring..but I was happy just to be
able to sit next to her and hold her hand. I'm pathetic, is
everyone this pathetic when in love? I'am so sorry for all
the hurts I've caused my previous girlfriends, I just never
understood what it was like. I'm so so sorry.
We walked out of the lecture after an hour, while we were
saying goodbye Steph started acting weird, it felt like she
was playing games with me. I walked away from her wanting
to cry.

I've been feeling like that a lot lately. She doesn't show
me any consideration it just feels like she doesn't care
about me.
She says the most thoughtless things to me, things that
really make my heart ache, she cancels dates with me and
doesn't even seem to care. I can't deal with this anymore.
I want to break up with her. I so badly want to end all
this heart ache but when ever I see her or hear her voice I
just get so fucking weak.

I have to keep compromising myself in an effort to keep her
happy, it's really bringing me down I just can't keep doing
this. This morning I woke up without her, she said she'd
come round but cancelled on me an hour or so before she was
gonna arrive (I wouldn't usually make a big deal out of
this but I HARDLY EVER GET TO SEE HER!!!), so I woke up and
thought about all the mean things she's said to me and
cried and cried and decided I really have to do something
about this situation.

What am I going to do though? from what I can see (which
maybe isn't that much because I am 'in' this situation) is:
1) I can voice my unhappiness with the situation, ask her
to change and see what happens.
2) I could ask her for five good reasons for me to not drop
her and hope that she doesn't call my bluff. 'cause I don't
really want to break up with her.
3) I could just break up with her and deal with my heart
ache which will eventually go away.
4) I could forget about all of this and just carry on as
usual being accepting and well behaved.

Well, I think number 4 is completely out of the question, I
can't carry on like this, being hurt on a regular basis I
think maybe I should go for either 1 or 3. THIS SUCKS. I
hate this. I hate it.