Karen & Austin~edd=11-15-01
2001-10-06 11:50:39 (UTC)

Why Parenting is scarey to me~

I hope Im as good at being a mother as my mom is to this
day.Ive gained so much respect for her.At birth I was a high
risk for SIDs.I slept with a heart monitor and needed to
have xrays monthly.Our insurence covered one per year.As I
started to grow my back leg muscles knotted up so walking
was impossible for me.The doctors had my mom get casts for
my legs to straighten out my ligaments.Theyre fine now.I
hardly slept as a baby up to this day.I could keep A's in
elementry school on 4 hours of sleep for 3 days.I had a mole
removed at age 3 and the clenic in baltimore reported as a
vaginal wart through molestation.Looking back at my
memmories of daddy includes "Tink,wheres your shoes?"and
eating chicken late at night watching pound puppies while
mom went to bingo.He wasnt the smartest parent but what man
ever is?When I turned about 13 I started my quest for
independance in a horible scarey way.My mom almost cries
when she hears me say things like "It's way too late to be
walking up that dark road alone."or"Thats too much for a
pair of shoes.Ill wear the ones I have"
My mother refers to my babys father as my "Old man" and
nicknames that rhyme with his name.She used to absolutely
hate him for over a year.When bf turned into babys father
and no longer stood for boyfriend she warmed up a little.His
first reaction wasnt the pretty one Id expected,and silently
Ive never forgive him for that reaction.The night I told him
and came in crieing at my sisters house her boyfriend told
me "Kare',it might be better if he doesnt have to burry his
dad at 20 years old.Youre a pretty girl,and if your sister
can find someone with 4 and 5 year old kids,youre sure to
find somebody.Then again he might outlive you since he keeps
up with your hormones,never smokes..."Ugh!I know he meant
well but gosh that didnt help at all!Ill never know how I
can dispise my bf so much for his reaction to our pregnancy
and still love him so dearly for the rest of my life.Its
finaly become "our" son to me and not just mine,mine.mine.
I know my son is likely to go through what Ive been
through.I cant begin to prepare myself to see him make my
mistakes and refuse to learn from my results.I plan on never
hitting him in anger and being the one he sees when he's
sick hungry or just lonely at odd hours of the night from
the sleeping disorder I gave him.Do I really have a right to
punnish him for doing what Ive done at his age?Ill correct
him for it but perhaps guilt will sink in at that time.For
now I'll worry about the bottles being steralized correctly
and the diaper bag being fully stocked for his arrival.
~~All I wrote is why parenting is a scarey thought for me.~~