Life as I know it.
2001-10-06 05:57:25 (UTC)

resistance is hard

argh matt asked me to fuck him tnoight, but omg i wanted to
so bad but both our roommates are wide awake and
drunk...fun oh fun. he suggested having sex in the park,
but i had to say no. Not just cause of the park thing but
i dont know, i realize a lot of shit (but yeah im gonna
fuck him again) but i dont know....let me rant.

so i went to eat n park with kristin tonight and i realized
a lot of shit...the fact that i spent saturday and sunday
in frat boys bed and proceeded to fuck matt wednesday is
horribly messed up...HORRIBLY. BUt it wasnt that, i
listened kristin talk about her ex's and i realize i dont
know what i want but im only fucking matt cause part of me
wants to hold on to him....and i hate myself for knowing
that. so i come home and go to heather's...i rant to her
for a bit cause i can, not just about matt but how seriouly
fucked up i am. and then i come upstairs to chat and check
email since im not tired one bit. so matt signs on, and he
asked what i did tonight and i told him i went out with
kris and he is all like "who's kris" and im like "kristin,
you getting jealous on me?" and he is like "yeah" okay that
was sweet but still...and he tried to get me to sleep with
him...which almost worked til my roommate came home and we
had nowhere to have sex at. THen he was all about the
park, but its raining...and i am kinda sick but i wasnt
gonna say that cause that would ruin my sex chances cause
he is all paranoid about me getting him sick since he has
no insurance. So i told him it was a sign that we shouldnt
have sex. so i dont know, if things get serious with me
and frat boy i dont wanna hurt matt and tell him (yeah dumb
bitch here) my life is fucked up, so fucked up, so
unbelievably fucked up.