2001-10-06 04:43:42 (UTC)

Night Sky

i looked at the sky last night and i thought of you. it
looked just the way it did when we'd go to the beach and i'd
lie in your arms unable to imagine life any other way. and
as i neared closer to reality, i realized that it, life, is
that other way now.

i remembered how that one night you told me that you wanted
to remember what it was like to love me for me, and you told
me that you wanted to go to the beach and look at the stars.
well the stars looked sad last night because in my eyes,
they can't be anything but. everything i see is sad because
that's what i am.

i always set this standard of living...that above all, never
deny your feelings. while i'm unsure that i could actually
be *in love* with someone, i don't feel satisfied in simply
saying that...i like you. and just the same i don't feel
comfortable referring to you as my friend. customers at work
ask me where i got my "gorgeous necklace" i tell them, "my
boyf...chris, my chris"

and i remember at blue key when you looked me in the eyes
and said to me, "you're amazing" and all the notes you wrote
me i remember reading once you said i was gorgeous. i
remember when you first told me you liked me you said, "name
one guy that doesn't like you who'd wait two hours after
school to drive you home." i remember the roses you gave me
and how you said you thank God every night that you've found

i must have lost you a long time ago chris. i had to have.
because i noticed when you stopped thinking i was beautiful.
i noticed when you stopped wanting to do everything you
could for me. i noticed when i stopped meaning as much. i
noticed and i noticed that i lost you not weeks ago but
months ago.

and now the only time you want me is when you're...you know, but
for me if that's the only way, that's the only way, as long
as you still want me. for a second i almost feel like your
kisses are bona fide and when you pull me closer it's
because you want me. but then i realize you don't want me
you want something else. because you don't look at me the same way
you did when we lied together on the beach and you leaned in
to kiss me. but now when we're in this situation, what
matters to me is that we're together. is that i've got this
chance to be with someone i care so much about and i've got
this opportunity i know i'd kick myself for missing. what
matters to me isn't what matters to you. unlike you, i still have
this immense desire to make you happy.

yet time after time when we say goodbye to each other before
class starts, and for the millisecond that we come so close
to kissing i can almost feel your lips against mine even
though they are inches apart, i can still see it in your
eyes. even though i feel like i lost you when you stopped
looking at me like i was the best thing that ever happened
to you, i can still see it in your eyes. for that split
second when i'm so close to happiness, i can see it in your
eyes. just like i saw it when you pulled me closer to really kiss
you for the first time, i saw it in your eyes that you were
going to kiss me. i can see it now in your eyes. you want to
kiss me. but then the second passes, and you don't. and i
walk away in love with you and you walk away unkissed. but
what i see in your eyes i can put money on. what i see in
your eyes is something i'll never ignore. i see that you
still have feelings for me. but i don't understand because
the entire reason we're not together is because you don't.
but you do because i can see it in your eyes and you're just
afraid. you're either afraid, or you don't want me. God
knows i'm hoping you're just afraid.

to think that we might never be us again. i can't do it. i
just can't think of what it would be like to have to
remember for the rest of my life what it was like to hold
your hand and what it felt like to kiss your lips, the right
way. it's not our time chris. i know when to let go, and
when it's appropriate, but it's not our time. if you think
about what your life would be like if right now i were to
walk out of your life forever, and if you're like me and
you'll never be able to feel complete again, then you know
it's not time to let go. it's not our time.

even if all i have left to hold onto right now is memories,
looking at the sky last night was enough to tear me apart.
your necklace still hangs in my car, your picture still on
my dashboard, our pictures still displayed in my room. but
the sky. the sky will never quite be the same for me again.