dragon_amor

Kami
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2001-10-05 06:56:59 (UTC)

I Just Needed A Friend

Perhaps this will be my last rant:
-------------------------------------------------
Aphrodities Suicide - (c) Brian Dowding, Oct.3, 2001.

My one redeeming virtue
Is that I never meant to hurt you
Ya ya
My one redeeming virtue
Is that I never meant to hurt you
Ya ya

So I pick up all the pieces and try to start again
They're all hidden underneath the veils
But if they're pieces of dellusion of something that never
ends
Well they're better off broke if it only fails

My one remaining virtue
Is that I never meant to hurt you
Ya ya
My one remaining virtue
Is that I never meant to hurt you
Ya ya

So I picked up all the pieces trying to start again
But this time there was nothing left behind the veils
A fact that seemed so obvious
I guess its not for all of us
Don't get hung up or you'll get de-railed

Reaching out
Lust about
The beautiul
You're so beautiful
Reaching out
Lust about
The beautiful
You're so beautiful
You're so beautiful
So Beautiful
It kills me
It kills me
It kills me
It kills me
So Beautiful
It kills me
It kills me

So I pick up all the pieces and try to start again
They're all hidden underneath the veils
But if they're pieces of dellusion of something that never
ends
Well they're better off broke if it only fails

My one remaining virtue
Is that I never meant to hurt you
Ya ya...

--------------------------------------------

Well, the music is much better than the libretto, but they
make each other in the end too.
Put more ads up. Studied a lot. Rehearsed with Drew at
his house. Worked at singing for two hours - got to do
more.
E-Met this girl named Alex. She has a talent for making
people smile against all odds it would seem. She read this
diary and had the courage to tell me so directly - and for
no reason expressed pretty expressive sympathy over what
Breezy did to me. What I find remarkable about that is
that she didn't know me from a hole in the wall, yet her
human sense of compassion kicked in anyway - yet someone
who I know for ten years can do this shit to me and not
only not express any guilt or emotion doing it, but emails
me to tell me specifically that she feels no emotion toward
me about it. Why is it easier to hate someone you love
than it is to hate a complete stranger? Anyway, Alex, if
your reading, I do appreciate what you said back there -
just writing it for the records I guess (for when I'm an
old man! lol). Gives me a little hope for humanity as a
whole. Maybe it isn't all that bad...

Anyway, should Breezy ever read this - I want you to know
one thing:

Even though we went from family friends, to friends, to
client/artist, to flirting/cyber/weird, to
relationship/lovers/etc, to you cheating on me and treating
me worse than Jeff or Clayton combined - I want you to know
that the period of my life when I was trying to let you
know that it is forgiven was a tough one. I was devastated
by you, but after so many people suddenly died around me
all at once it made me think that life was too short to
hold a grudge. It really made me think of the "big"
picture. I know I used to say that if you ever cheated on
me that I would NEVER talk to you again and all that -
hell, maybe you were expecting that reaction - but it just
seemed so trivial compared to everything else that hit me.
Life is short, life is fragile, and I went into forgive and
embrace the good aspects of life mode. I'm not mad that
you cheated on me anymore and I would never call you down
for it (even though I've been unjustly called a lot of
things by you). I am angry though. Angry that after all I
went through for you, you didn't even have the decency to
acknowledge me (let along gracefully recieve the olive
branch) during a time when what I truely needed were good
friends. I used to count you as my best. I can't believe
that you don't count at all anymore. I hope you can find
it in you to change that someday - but for now - go fuck
yourself for kicking me when I was down.


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