Corda

Hidden thoughts and alibis
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2001-10-04 22:07:51 (UTC)

Emotion sickness - Addict with no heroine?

Hmm, I had a pretty rough evening yesterday. It all started
when my good friend Sarah told me she is moving away to
university. That got us on to the entire "do you think
we'll be friends for life? Or drift away?" to which she
basically said she thought we might drift away with new
friends.

NOOOO!!!! I don't want that :( ... I mean, it got me
thinking. We're not children anymore, and all of a sudden
the possibility we're not going to live close and see each
other every day is real, that goes for all my friends. And,
I felt really upset because I suddenly realised how fragile
my relationship with her really was. Even though she feels
like my best friend, and everything is cool, I suddenly
realised that I haven't known her for very long, and is our
friendship going to go last through not seeing each other
much for a few years?

I really hope so, I guess it was just a shock, that this
person who has made me feel so good and helped me a lot may
become just a small part of my life. I can't imagine
saying "Yeah, I knew Sarah for a few years, we were good
friends once". I just don't want to meet her one day and
for her to say "I got married, have two kids and new
friends". Basically, I've built my life around my friends,
inparticular Sarah and my bandmates, and to think maybe
it's going to completely change is really strange.

I'm not saying I don't think she should go, it's not the
moving that bothers me (well, it is), but moreso that we'll
stop talking and she'll find a better friend than me and
end up not wanting to be my friend. That sounds a little
childish, but thats the mood I'm in, y'know, I just don't
want to not be able to talk to her whenever I want. I
understand why she wants to go, she suffers a lot from
people who mistreat her then blame her for it, there are a
lot of people making her life hard and she just wants to
get away from that constant pressure. But I hate having to
support her for things I'm not really in support of. I
usually end up having to give her the right advice even
though it's not the stuff I want to say. Same here, I know
the honest answer is to say she should follow her heart and
if she wants to go then go. But, she makes me feel less
alone and I don't really want her to go. But that's selfish
of me and I can't say that to her because it's not fair ...
so what do I do!?

I hate this, I'm always in positions where I feel one way,
but know it's unfair to state how I feel, and have to do
the "right" thing. Thats why I don't have a girlfriend,
thats why I'm not getting any kind of sexual contact. I
could get Sarah drunk and do that to her (she's very happy
when she is drunk) but it's unfair to her. I don't know.

I once had this dream of being an old man with
grandchildren, searching through my attic at old pictures.
And finding a picture of Sarah, and explaining to my
grandchildren she was "just someone I used to know, when I
was young". Basically, in my dream me and Sarah went our
seperate ways, lost contact and never spoke. I have a
horrible fear she'll get new friends, a boyfriend, and I'll
become nothing to her, and the way she said we were
drifting apart just made me feel like maybe we really are
going to lose contact? It's my worst fear, Sarah is a total
soulmate, one of the few things in life that makes me
happy, I know if we ever went our seperate ways I'd regret
not having a friend as good as her, so I really hope if she
moves we'll stay in contact somehow or other.

This is why this diary is good, because I can always speak
to Sarah about how I feel about other friends, but not
about her. So, in all truth I don't want her and me to lose
contact, if she moves I just hope we speak and meet
regularly. I really love (platonically) Sarah and the
thought she won't be near to talk to if something goes
wrong is frightening.

If my band ever becomes famous or tours, I'm making a vow
Sarah will ALWAYS be my best friend and I'll never forget
her, I'll talk to her all the time, visit her as much as
possible and buy a big house she can stay in whenever she
likes! I dunno, if there is one friend I don't want to lose
it's Sarah .... and so, partly to sum up the entry and
partly to make a backup copy of my lyrics, here is a song
about her I wrote ... maybe one day she'll realise it's
about her ... but for now it's just made me feel a little
better:


Heroine


Such a graveyard gaze, the moment I realised
That you were human too, and not my puppet girl
You’d make a rainy day
Look a happy way
A smile across my face
Was tribute to you

I can’t face change, without facing myself
You said to drift away, was all that we could do
To learn my lines for you
Was all that I could do
Not a picture of your face
Could replace you

I don’t want you to go
I don’t want you to know
A silent heroine

An alibi
A rain soaked path to my
Eyes and ears
Not just years to waste

I’d waste them all again
If you were here for them
A million to one
Friends like you could come
Along to rescue me
A freak of history
A forest for your fears

There we go .... so Sarah, if you move .. don't forget me
because if you do I'm going to have to stalk you!


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