Fishnet Goddess

Rainbows, Ice-a-ma-cream, and Lemonade
2001-10-04 18:54:43 (UTC)

No News Is Good News

Well, it's Wednesday, and I haven't heard anything, so
I guess that's good news. I'm happy and sad at the same
time. Obviously, I'm glad because nothing's wrong with me,
but I wish there was at least something little wrong, so I
could fix it. Because now I'm going to keep feeling like
shit and I won't know why, and I know there's nothing I can
do.
I have found a way to make myself feel worse though. I
know bulemia is bad, because I've been through it before,
but the other night I had pizza with Ryan and I made myself
throw it up while Ryan ran out to apply for a second job.
He has no idea. And I'm not going to tell him. When he came
home, he told me he got the job, and so now he's going to
be gone every night until 9:30, except on Fridays, when
he'll be home at 7:30. I'm really sad that I won't see him,
but the money will really help with the wedding. And you
know what? I was actually happy to have the opportunity to
throw up dinner every night. I'm serious. And I don't care
right now that what I'm going to do is wrong. I need to
lose a lot of weight before the wedding. I'll only keep
this up until the wedding. Maybe Ryan will quit that job,
and I won't be able to do it anymore. That'll be fine. I
have 2 months before I have to fit into my wedding dress,
and I need to lose a few more inches. I know I can get the
dress altered, but I'd rather not.
I'm going to go to lunch in a few minutes, so I have
to go. Bye!