2001-10-04 08:39:56 (UTC)

Falling Is Like This

I'm falling again and I hate it, I hate this ongoing
process, this cycle of falling and then hurting and then
getting myself better and then falling all over again. It
sucks, it's evil and cruel and no one ever wins. And this
time, there's more at stake because there's a friendship
involved. I meant it when I said I swear it's the last
time, and I'm not trying anymore. Things are going to have
to fall in my lap and take me by surprise because I'm not
looking, I'm not searching, I'm not pursuing shit. I don't
need it. I don't want it, I am happy with the way things
are now. I love my friends, they mean everything to me.
Alyssa, Shoe, Brett, Jay, Jacki, Casey, Shredder, they're
like my family, more than my real family is. Those are just
people I have to live with. My friends are the people I
trust and care about and who make me feel needed and cared
about and it's fucking great. Sometimes I just sit down and
think about it, about how great my friends are and how
lucky I am to have them. They're so fucking loyal. Nobody
makes me feel like they do, no one else takes me out and
gets me drunk when I feel sad, no one else sticks up for me
or threatens the life of any guy I bring around. And you
know what else, if I liked a guy and they didn't approve of
him or he didn't get along with them, that's tough shit for
him because they come first. They're the most important
people to me in the world, and it sounds horrible but my
family has done nothing but fuck things up for me. Every
time I try and strive for happiness, they do something to
shoot me down. I can't respect and care about people like
that, I just can't do it.