pepampa

Fuck it

I was sitting here, then I was laying over there....
I got up turned the music on.......
I sware they were playing that song because of us....
You know I try and I try to stay strong......
Why am I feeling so god damed weak right now....
I feel I just want to yell and scream...cry and sleep..
I dont want to do any of those....
I just want to be with you sooo bad but I can't...
I am almost mad that we are so far apart right now...
I am more mad at myself for crying over it......
Funny thing is I never used to cry...
I could'nt I lost that side of me...
I'm glad that its back but I wish I could tuck it away..
Maybe not forever because I love my happy tears....
I hate the sad tears I hate them so much....
When you start to cry... your face goes red.....
You start to shake.... losing your breath a bit ..eyes get
puffy... You just dont want to be alone.. but you dont want
anyone to see you......
I hate those times there so hard.......
Why can't I just yell and scream.....who would I scream to
and what would I yell.....
Why is it that we are so far apart is this one of lifes
tests? Is this a true measure of our love......
I know I will make it no matter how hard it gets....
But why must somethign so good be so hard to get its just
not fair if it is a test... I think this test sucks!!
I love him soo fuckin much I can't even describe!!
But I hate that I cant be with him right now...
So many lonely nights ahead.....so many more tears to fall..
You know I am not crying right now...and I know thats how
it sounds......
because I am writting I cant cry haha think I am a dumbass
who cant cry and write at the same time .....
But I am almost afraid to stop writting because I think I
will just break down.....
You know I dont want sympathy....maybe just a friend.....
Thats another thing.... all my freinds just dont want me to
go... so I cant really talk about what I really wanan talk
about... I have to hold it all in for the most part..
And one certain asshole I think did it!! way to go now Leah
is gone...
I have no time to deal with fake people I dont need Leah
and I dont need kristain fuck them both.....
One day maybe when I am gone and sooo truly happy you will
grow up and see what a good freind you lost...
Then again you may not even care but I will not be around
to listen to either or!! Well I think I am done venting for
now at least......One final wish actually...
I wish that time would just fly like no tommorow!! and I
could win the lottery or something!! show me the fuckin
money I say...Cuz all I want is to be with my baby!! and
basically fuck the rest of you!!

I love my family and I love my laurie and I love my Matt
and my Hannah the rest of you here it is!! I dont need this
shit no more!! You wanna be a friend then be one when
someone needs ya..youb all know I have been there for
you !!