A History of Blacksburg
As I was standing in line at the bookstore to buy my
homeride ticket i picked up a copy of the instore
newspaper. in it there was a very interesting article on
the history of blacksburg....however, not cynical enough
for my taste. let me re-create it appropriately.
A History of Blacksburg - by Moi
The new river valley hasn't always been a place of
dangerous high speed roads that allow polluting vehicles to
race around. There weren't always the luxuries of shopping
malls where dumbass youngsters could peel out at 80 mph
only to come to a screeching halt 2 seconds later at a red
There used to be a variety of wildlife such as, elk,
buffalo, bear, and deer, but we fucked their shit up good.
You ain't gotsta worry bout no more deer attacks around
this biatch. Not only did we forcefully obtain this land
from animals, but also native americans. that's right
folks, those "savages" can call us bus drivers cos we took
them to school, when we pretended that we appreciated their
kindness. as soon as we reached the indian village in
present day salem, we had to "remove" them to a
more "suitable" place, their ancestors are quite happy now
in their cramped territories, and the tears they shed are
out of pure joy. after these hard fought battles, we had
to get around to modifying this place for an over-crowded
There used to be a plethora of rich foliage, but we burnt
that shit faster than a pothead burns down a joint, a
little later we had to make sure that we didn't have any of
this "small business" bullshit anymore. We made sure to
drive out the good old mom and pop stores to make room for
large commerical stores, so that we could attract those
that needed to buy their hilfiger and abercrombie and fitch.
Now don't think for one second that we forgot about the
hardships our forefathers went through to obtain this
land. In honor of those who starved to death due to the
harsh winters we now serve so much food that we're even
having trouble wasting it all! Shit, up at dietrick we
make an extra batch of french fries just so that we can
dump them directly into the trash can.
Thanks to centuries of hard-work we now have a beautiful
technologically advanced hub of activity. Students can
drive around inebriated, assert their superiority over
townies, and drink coffee in mass quantity. Truly,
Blacksburg is a much better place now than it ever was.
--- i came to my desk to find a USED TISSUE on my desk. i
do not appreciate USED TISSUES on my desk. i don't care if
it's filled with chocolate icing, or god knows what.
whoever it belongs to can no longer obtain it because i set
it ablaze in a fiery effigy in our recycling bin, so as to
destroy the demons that lie therein.