lilith.

dedoubledidentifiedschizophrenia~
2001-10-03 07:31:44 (UTC)

continuation

2 mins to 1 am...
im still hangin like a thread abt what happened in school
just now.. caught me offguard.. i mean things couldnt have
picked a better time to come out and hit me..
ill list out de stuffs for ya..

1. de prelim grades have been distributed out..
so far ive scored borderline marks.. im thinkin its ok.. as
long as i dont fail i will not let that shrinking flame
extinguish.. ders hope for me.. i have to work harder...but
u noe i trip and fall.. and bein alone in dis doesnt help
much..

2. prom
i tried playin wit my dad abt de idea and he brushed it
off.. so der goes my hope of goin for prom.. hes not payin
de 35 bucks for sure.. i mean, i can sneak out if i want
to, but looks like i have to foot de cost myself. at dis
moment i dont think thats possible.. so im toyin wit de
idea dat im not makin it for prom.. and see whether im
psyche for it.. if not ill just have to forget abt it.. no
way am i gonna be a charity case and ask money from others
or even borrow.. de whole thing just loses its meaning..

3. personal relationship
i got nothin to say aye.. i dont wanna quote and unquote
shah because i noe her words are true and i dont need truth
for now... im just confused... non existance of it all..
null communication.. trivial misunderstanding.. my
goodness, am i doomed in relationship or fuck what??? fuck
me. just fuck me aight. i dont wan to repeat all de stupid
mistakes i made or do the things i diid the last time we
fought. although my hearts runnin out of space for scars..
i shall fuck up and keep silent.

4.friends
ok.. im not so gd in dois area.. evryone noes dat.. my
hatred for z has sorta become more confusing. its a
mindset. a biased mindset i realised but old habits die
hard.


shit i gtg.
damned.

lith

____________________________________-

1526 hrs 3 october 01
just got back from school.
feeling as fucked as ever~

ok continuation of yesterdays outburst aight.

i mean de whole shindig abt me hating z maybe one of the
things dat i cannot explain. but im gonna bruchit aside for
now because in dat same category of friends, i have a
bigger problem... dat is naz.

i fought with naz. bad very bad,.. i said something abt her
teeth.. she wears braces.. and i think i sadi something
inconsciously abt that.. it offended without me noeing
it..i feel like a fool really.. coz rite after de thing
happened i was doing my history and suddenly naz was
scolding all dos bad word dat u noe were a little too
much.. i was shocked.. i mean i had a conversation with nad
and even she said dat it was a bit extreme.. i was hurt
damn it. if it really offended her she should have told me
rite from de beginning daty hey u noe it hurts when u said
dat.. i would apologize and say i didnt mean it..i mean i
thot me and naz we were fine.. not de best of friends but i
thot wat happened in de past was de past.. she used to tell
me not to harbour feelings or grudges.. i say now whos
contradictin...

i feel really fucked now aight.. i mean yesterday nite.. or
rather wednesday morning.. i was talkin to nad on de fone
frm 0130 to 0330 abt alot of stuffs... everything abt how
syikin and fariheen judges me and look down on me.. abt how
people pinpoints my mistakes but not the others.. i mean,
what is up with them that they condemn me real bad.. the
frenship dey offer in schoo is none other than mere
pretence.. i mean what de fucking hell... im sick of all
dis shit thats happening in school... im reall feeling
shitty aight..

den me and nad we talked abt tings that i never imagined i
could talk it out with her.. i have newfound perspective of
nad.. i dont mean to say that just one conversation made me
kowtow to her kinda thing but she talked sense. straight
up.. dats difficult to find nowadays coz everyonesa two
face..

den ders de problem with dy.. i mean mard.. i mean dy..
argh. i noe i said it that id be fine.. just as long we're
in gd terms studyin wld be a breeze.. dis happened somet
ime ago when we had dis quarrel and we went awol and mia
with each other.. yeah we made up and resolved to balance
our time well.. i said dat it was worst dat we werent
together coz i cld focus on my studies and dat i just
needed to noe we're in good terms and everythin would be
fine.. so de point im tryin to make here is dat.. yes we're
fine.. but we're not even talkin in school.. recess even..

it hurts damn it. it does.
hmmph.

-lith





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