EmilyStrange

The Chronicles of Ms. Evil
2001-10-03 04:26:33 (UTC)

Trying Times

I just can't stand being this emotionally drained. When
ever I was home I had this wierd abilitly for things not to
affect me as much. It seems as though now I'm at school I
actually gained a soul, I'm no longer hollow inside. I
just can't take the emotional stress anymore. I hate it.
I hate looking sad, I hate being sad, I hate having to hide
it from everyone. They might want to commit me if I
actually stayed true to my form. Well maybe not, but still
I don't think they would really really miss that bubbly
little personality, the one that bounces around the hall,
asks for hugs in that little tiny voice, that little ball
of snuggly love. That little warm body that can curl up
next to you and make you feel that if this person is so
happy then there actually might be something right in this
maddening world. I like being that ray of sunshine, I like
being that smile that makes everyone feel better. That
crazy little munchkin that brightens everyones day. I hate
being that sad, troublesome black spot. So on with the day
walking around, with a smile on my face and a spring in my
step. Why can't I stay like that and not care about the
shit that surrounds me? Why can't my smiley face brighten
my day and make me happy? I mean who can't love
themsleves. I do like myself, but do I really love myself,
and if I don't love myself how can I expect someone else to
love me? So many questions but no answers at least not
yet, why is this? See more questions. Its just like this
never ending circle of confusion trying to keep me from
being happy. If I could only understand what was going
on. If I would only talk to my mom like a friend instead
of a fragile piece of china, or the enemy. I can't really
figure this out. I love my mom but there is this tinge of
rage I have towards her like she hurt me but she didn't, or
did she. I mean did she and I just can't remember cuz I
blocked it out of mind or do I try to blame her for
something. I mean Ken seems to think my mother is this
horrible person, compared to his mom she isn't the greatest
but look at the shit my mother has been put through from my
father. I don't really know Ken's whole story but I know
mine and I don't get it. To me my mom was just being a mom
and I was just a bitchy stubborn child, and I can admit
that I was. I had such a fucky childhood I can't believe I
actually made it to the age of well almost 19. I still
haven't told ken how at&t screwed me over royally and I
know i'm not going to tell my mom that my fucking phone
bill here is already 159.79. I like totally didn't pay
attentin like the stupid fuck that I am.
hmmmm...........well I think I will stop again. I know I
said I was in the last entry but I truly will stop for
tonight maybe.

Ms. Evil