The Chronicles of Ms. Evil
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2001-10-03 03:43:16 (UTC)

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Goodness, goodness, goodness. What am I going to do? I
get myself so cought up in things and then I get lazy and
then I get to be a pussy and nothing gets done. I just
want to hit myself sometime. I don't understand myself at
all. I just don't get it. I mean if I want to hit myself
sometimes I can like only imagine what other people want to
do to me. I don't think ever, ever, ever. Uhhhh sitting
here I just get so frustrated thinking about it. I have
like no fucking balls to tell my mom about Ken and I. Like
I want to tell her but like I can't. I start talking to
her and she starts calling me her little girl and I just
want to cry. I feel like I'm hurting her in a way. I dont'
want to leave her. I just keep hearing about my dad not
getting any better, and how things are still the same with
the problems. But the thing is it can't be the same. Cuz
now I'm not there. I used to pick fights with him jsut so
he wouldn't pick on my brothers. So now that no is there
no is there to protect them esp. lil brian the poor kid is
only 9 and he has to live with that, and then steve. I
worry about my little guy. I tried so hard ot keep him
safe and now I left him all on his own. I feel so
horrible, like a traitor/deserter. Why did I have to
leave, why do I have to grow up, why do I have to move
forward. I just want to go back so that no one has to
suffer. See with me home, I was the bitch, I was the
problem so all the hate was directed towards me. No one
else had to get hurt, I saved my mom a lot too, from my
dad. He would be yelling and screaming at her and then I
would walk in the room and say some off colored comment and
the rage would turn towards me and my mom would try to
direct it bakc ot her but I was such a stubborn bitch that
I kept at my dad until it almost came to fists. I'd be in
his face and he'd be in mine, the smell of beer would be
overwhelming but I would stand my ground. Once or twice
there would be a push and shove but in the morning nothing
would be remembered by him. It didn't bother me any as
long as I didn't take what he said seriously. After awhile
though you start to realize that everything he said when he
was drunk were all the things he was too scared to say when
he was sober. That's how I would get the truth out of my
dad, no matter how much I would get hurt emotionally I
would know the truth.

"I'm a big, big girl in a big big world it's not a big big
thing if you leave me but i do do feel that i do do will
miss you much"

I need to ask my mom to use the car to go down to PA and I
need to tell her the truth about everything no matter how
much I will hate it. I have to cowboy up and start running
my life the way I want it. This is a big step for me,
everyone thinks i'm such a strong person but i'm not and i
wish they could see that, i'm slowly dying inside about my
mother. I don't think I can tell her, I really don't I
will have the strength to hear her cry. I know that's what
is going to happen. I hate hurting people. I hate trying
to act so strong for people. I'm getting so warn here at
school. It's pretty much from acting like the strong
person, the little Emily. I feel so loved but loved for
the cuteness, I don't know what they would do if they saw
when I have my bad days. I mean every now and then the
smile fades and I think about my problems, and as soon as
that happens they saw what's wrong and the smile comes back
and I saw nothing. I like left for a walk by myself for an
hour and no one really noticed that I was gone. I still
remember when I was staying at tim's with ken and I talked
to my mother and I immediatly had to go for a walk because
I felt the tears welling up and my heart in my throat. As
soon as I made it out the doors the flood gates opened but
then I stopped. I didn't want to look weak for Erin. I'm
supposed to be the strong one. I can't break down. I
can't. I just can't, I can't break down for anyone. It's
not a choice it's the way I have to be. I have to be that
solid rock, that unmovalbe mountain. It's just so hard, I
don't know if I can do it anymore. That's why I love ken I
don't have to be strong, he's that rock but then I start to
think about how I'm placing that roll on him. And I sont'
want to put that on him. Why am I falling apart. STOP
IT!!!. School is stressing me out and now I dont' want ot
let Ken down so I have to get the car or a ride down to
PA. I have to, but I am just too much of a pussy, god what
the fuck is wrong with me. GET IT TOGETHER EMILY!! well I
think I'll stop here and save the rest of my fucking sob
story for later.

Ms. Evil