Sullen Girl

A Bird Upon the Wind
2001-10-02 03:00:56 (UTC)

It's Been A While

No, not the Staind song,though that is one of the anthems
for mylife right now, but what I mean was its been a whil
since I have written anything and tonight I was checking my
email to ofcourse see if Keith had emailed me, and since he
didnt and I was missing him and almost got the urge to
email hi and tell him so, I decided no, I will not.It's ike
quitting smoking(and I have had such great luck in that),
so I am trying to quit Keith. No, I have to quit him. He i
no good for me. And some of you may be asking what has
happened here lately to make me feel this way. Well I saw
him. Yep, last weekend I saw him and what did we do? Fight,
argue over stupid shit. For example,I got there Friday
night we went out, got drunk, I came home and passed out.
Forgive me but I had been up since 6am and drove 4 hours to
get there, and god forgive me for being tired at 3 in the
morning. So then Saturday I was talking to my girlfriend
who I was going to see that night,and she told me that the
night before her and some of my friends had entered a wet
tshirt contest and my friend Sarah won 2nd place and I
said "Man, I should have been there", kidding because I am
well, well endowed. So when I got off the phone I was
laughing, and I told him what my friends had done,and he
was like, "Is that when you said man I should have been
there?" and I was like yeah. Whatever, right? No, homeboy
wants to fucking bring it up all day, semi-kiddingly, an
finally we are waitin for a table at Olive Garden and he
says something again and I said, "Well what if I was ina
wet tshirt contest, huh? What would you do? What could you
do?" Because I mean, he was just dragging the shit out and
beating a dead horse into the ground, so I was sick of it.
So then ofcourse dinner sucks because he is mad now and we
dont talk, even though I tried to. So we get home and I was
heading off to hang out with my gilfriends for a birthday
celebration, so we left on bad terms and I was supposed to
come back to see him on Sunday, but ofcourse his
manipulative ass wants to play games. So I was packing and
I say, can I leave these clothes here til tomorrow? And he
says "Do you even want to com back tomorrow? Ok, now I know
we were fighting, but the whole god damn reason I went down
there was to see him, so if I say I want toleave my clothes
here, shouldnt that be a hint, a sign, a fucking clue that
I plan to come back. But no, he wants to be an asshole and
play "prove you want to come back which I am so fuckng
over, so I packed up all of my shit and left, and went to
my girls house. Well, so then ofcourse on Sunday we have to
play who will call who first, another popular game, and
ohp, guess who calls first- yep me. I called him at like 3
to give him a chance to ask me to come there, and he didnt.
So I hung with my friends a little longer,thinking maybe
he'll call me. Nope. So I call back at like 8, and I say
you know I want to come there" and ofcourse hes like "i
want you to come here." Well, so I didnt get there until
like 11pm because my keys were in y friends car, and then I
got high, so whatever. I got there late, and then fell
asleep because I had been up all night with my friends,and
if he wanted to spend more time with me he would have
spoken up earlier in the day. I mean he knew I had an hour
drive, so procrastinating was not my fault. Shit if it wasn
for me calling him AGAIN I wouldnt have even been there. So
the next morning we wake up and ofcourse he wants to have
sex, but I am not feeling him. I mean, first of all I hadnt
had a shower, second of all he wasnt s fresh and so clean,
and third of all why would I feel anything romantic towards
him when all we have done is fight all weekend. So he gets
pissed off, and asks if I am seeing anyone up here, I say
no. He asks if I hooked up with anyone and I say that I
have kissed someone, because I cant lie, but at least I was
fuckin honest. So he gets pissed and starts accusing me of
all kinds of shit and kicks me out. Yep, he tells me to
leave. I tell him that I am not leaving without a shower
and he says well get in, and I do, and I am getting myself
ready while he gets ready for class, then he goes and
watches TV while I am packing and then he i leaving for
class and says "Bye", so I say "Bye". But I had some things
to take care of in Raleigh, and I had my cat with me,so I
left it there. When I got back on the news there was all
this stuff about tornado warnings along my whole exact
route home straight up 95. And one was even sighted in my
home town. So I am scared because I can barely drive in the
rain, and I tried to call my dad to get some advice, but he
wasnt there, well then Keith gets home, and I tell him what
I saw on the weather channel, and I say if he tells me its
safe to drive then I will leave(cause hes a meteorology
major), so he gets on the internet and is like "Theres
othing about that on here, and I am like(in my head) well
guess wha dick its been all over television, but insted I
am like "Ok, well then I gues I will go" So I pack up my
car with everything, suitcase, cat, cat box, I am in my car
ready to go and now and now "Mr Concerned" wants to come
out and ask me if I feel alright driving.Well dickhead what
the fuck do you think? Instead I say, "Oh, I'll be fine". I
mean if he wanted to stop me dont you think he would have
tried maybe around the first suitcase I carried out, I mean
call me crazy? So, I fucking left. And I havent talked to
him since, that was a week ago. Only he emailed me for my
birthday, an e-card, and said "I know we havent talked in a
while, but I wanted to wish you a happy birthday..yadda.."
So I wrote back "Thanks for the card." That was it. Iam
just so infuriated, I mean the motherfucker is so god damn
stubborn that he would let me drive in majorly threatening
weather, and granted I made it, some people didnt. And I
tell you, if I was driving and I saw a torndo up ahead, I
dont know what the fuck I would do. And it was scary. I
mean yo should have seen the sky. The whole drive I was
thinkng about Wizard of Oz and Twister. So thats where I m
at now. Kind of in a hole. Does anyone know that U2 song
Stuck in A Moment? That has been me for over a year. I am
stuck being in love with being in love. Thats what it comes
down to. I mean the reason I love Keith so much is because
all that we have shared, and everything nice hes done for
me, and all the magical cant catch your breathe moments
weve had. And I am more afraid of never having that feeling
again than anything else right now. I guess I am also
afraid that I could have misjudged someone so much. I mean
if we were olded, we would have been married. And now
divorced, or extremely unhappy. God, how could I have felt
so right and been so wrong? That scares me so much,
becauseI never want to be divorced ever. Practically
everyone in my family is divorced, and I feel like I am
destined to the same tragedy, but I wont. Ever. It has to
be forever. Please. Good night moon.