xsuperboy

The Journal of Greg Rodriguez
2001-10-01 22:55:07 (UTC)

October 1, 2001 6:33 PM

Dear Journal,

It's getting so I don't know my place in the world. Maybe
that seems a little too dramatic, but it's pretty much how I
feel. It's like, as far as friends go, I'm never satisfied
with the ones I've got. Lemme explain.

So I went across the hall to chill with Sean and Joe, two
guys that I've talked about before I think. We get along,
and they're mad cool, but I don't think I'll ever become
tight with them. I think to them I'm only an aquaintance,
just someone to exchange small talk with. All the people
they chill with are heavy into football and all that shit,
and I'm just not. I hate that goddamn game. Stupidest
motherfuckin' thing ever invented. It's way too complicated,
and just comes off as being too low-brow for my tastes.
Point is, I think maybe I'm just too different from them.
That's just how it is. Maybe one day something will happen
that'll change shit, or maybe this all in my head, but I
don't know what the hell is going on. But it did get me
thinking, which is usually a bad thing.

What is my obssession with being associated with the
so-called "cool" kids? I mean, even writing that question
down makes me feel like a complete tool. I'm in fucking
college for pete's sake; there are no cool kids, or loser
kids. Or is that just a mere belief? I think so. In my
opinion, the cool kids are the ones drinkin', getting their
freak on, just experiencing the whole social thing. And the
loser kids don't. It's that simple. Or is it? Reading this
again, it doesn't seem that simple. Maybe it's just simple
inside this head of mine. I mean, my roommate goes out and
does all that stuff, and he's really doesn't meet my
expectations of what is cool. So what's the missing link?
Maybe it's people who I perceive as cool have similiar
interests as me as far as music, clothing, attitude goes. I
think that rings true. But I'm starting a goddamn thesis
here. What bothers me is that I have friends; good people
who I get along with. HOWEVER, they don't exactly fit into
my perspective of coolness. They're not popular with other
people. They don't ... I don't know, it's just something
that I can see on people that determines this mysterious
characteristic. And Mitch doesn't have it. Kristen and
Eileen don't have it. Liz does. Nancy does. But why can't I
just be satisfied with what I have? That's the glaring
problem.

Every time I try associate and assimilate into a clique
who fits into my perspective of cool, it winds up falling
through, at least around here. It happened last year with
Lori and the Bevier crew. I felt unwanted and unnecessary
within that group. I didn't fit there. I tried, but nothing
I did worked. It's so frustrating. It's like I'm sitting at
a table, and there's all this food available to me. So I
tear up some like Chef Boyardee's; food that tastes good and
nourishes me, but it's not wholly satisfying. And then all
the way on the other end of the table is gourmet shit, like
roasted duck and caviar; shit that while expensive and
delicious, is always unattainable, no matter how much I try
to reach for it. That's a crazy analogy. I can't wait to
reread THIS entry. I guess I'll start wrapping it up. I
guess all I want is to belong to a group of friends that
accept and satisfy me as a person, inside and out. I don't
think it'll ever happen though.

Alright, I'm bouncin'. Later.

-Greg


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