The Chronicles of Ms. Evil
2001-10-01 19:55:14 (UTC)

Tiny bubbles

Well I had a pretty okay day so far. I did okay on my ag.
science test. I did worse than i thought but still i did
better than the class average so it's all good. I took a
test today in equine s&m and i think i did okay on that
too. I didn't exactly study for it but still i think i did
okay. I kinda realized 45min before class that I had a
test, oooops. I had an episode before ag. econ today. It
wasn't too bad, I just got dizzy and lost my balance and
caught myself on my desk. Nothing bad i just have a little
scratch on my hand. I definetly took an iron pill after
that, i've been dizzy all day though, not too dizzy but
dizzy enough to make me a bit uneasy. We took a practice
exam in ag. econ today. I got 2 wrong out of 8 so that's
not bad at all. I'm so glad i get to ride tomorrow and i'm
riding english. It's going to be our last day of dressage,
then i think we are going to be going into the classical
seat. I don't rightly know but that's my guess.
Hopefully i will find out if i made the riding team soon, i
kinda want to know, i tried out on fri, and i think the
last people are trying out today. I have western try outs
on wed. I'm kinda tired, but i don't want to sleep right
now. I night hosted last night and was up until 3 but i
don't want to sleep. I want to go out and do something. I
had so much fun at that club the other night even though
there were some incidents that i could have done without.
I think I turned my head 3 times to go talk to erin, but
she wasn't there. I wish she had been it was so much fun.
It was kinda dissappointing to turn to talk to someone and
they aren't there. I started to look kinda crazy after the
2nd time i did it. I thought i saw her twice too, but she
couldn't have been there, she's at oswego and i was in
syracuse, they aren't that far away but she doesn't have a
car, well niether do i, so i guess it is fesible that she
was there but i think if she was there and i was there we
would have noticed each other there and would have like
hooked up.

"everything you say to me brings me closer to the edge and
i'm about to break"

hmmm......it's rather chilly round here. snow is coming,
that means i get to go sledding, woo hoo. winter is great
snuggling weather, but i don't have anyone to snuggle here,
well i do but i really want ken here to snuggle. I hate
thinking about the people i care about the most being so
far away. It's like i wish i could shrink the distance by
about 200 miles between me and ken and then shrink the
erin's distance by 78 miles, life is so cruel sometime.
tum ti tum.

"you take away, if i give in, my life, my pride is broken"

still no word from my parents. I might just call them
today. I'm kinda scared that if i do call there is
something wrong and then i'll feel bad about being pissed
but then i'll be pissed that they didn't tell me. i'll
probably want to go home if it's something big and if it's
big then i might miss classes that i can't afford to miss
but i don't want to leave my family. My career is
important but so is my family no matter how much they piss
me off. I don't think many people get that. I may hate my
parents and they may piss me off but if anything happened
to them i would most likely be devastated. I miss them in
a way. Scarly enough i miss the unstable situation, the
fighting, the drinking, the pain, the anger, the lies, the
hate, i lived with it so long that with out it i feel at
though there is nothing in my life. I got so used to it
that live with out it is so wierd and wrong feeling. I
know i should be glad that i don't have to, but i'm leaving
my lil brothters in that situation. and not matter how
much i hated them i wouldn't want them to grow up the way i
did. My life wasn't horrible but still it sucked, it
sucked hard core. like a lot of kids had a good family
life but socially it wasn't the best, my home life was bad
but socially i had some of the best friends ever.

"guily by association, you point the finger at me,i want to
run away,and never say goodbye i want to know the answers,
i want to know why, i want to close the door and open up my

Friends are the people who walk in when other walk out.
Truthfully though i've been a shitty friend. I can't
believe what i did to erin. I feel as though i hurt her so
deeply in a way, i feel as though i was that scissor blade
i was that pain. I hate hurting people but i just do and i
can't stop myself. I look at what i'm doing and i keep
doing it and i look harder and start yelling at
myself "what the fuck emily, what are you doing. Stop it
now, your such a stupid bitch" and then i look hard at
myself and the tears roll down my cheek. Why do I do these
things to the people i love. I really wonder why i try to
be friends with people when i know that i hurt them even
though i try not to. I mean i did okay without anyone for
a year why would i pick erin to be my friend, my confidant,
my comrade, when deep inside i know i have fucked up before
and fucked up hard. I just don't get it.

"I put my trust in you, pushed as far as i can go, for all
this there is only one thing you should know. i tried so
hard and went so far but in the end it doesn't even matter."

but anyways i think i shall go now and nap, emotional nap i
think. I don't want to worry anymore i don't want to have
to think i just want to be brain dead to the world, staring
off in space like it's something intereting that i have to
watch or i'll miss something


"I wanna be in another place, I hate when you say you don't
understand. you try to take the best of me, go away, you
try to take the best of me, go away"

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