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2001-10-01 13:45:31 (UTC)

it never ends...

Relationships are definitely confusing. Right now I like
Karl so much, but that is weird because when we first
started "seeing each other" I didn't really feel that way.
In fact, if he hadn't suggested that we just be friends, I
might have gotten to it first. When he said that though, it
affected me in a way different of what I had expected. I
thought it would be fine with me, but it actually depressed
the hell outta me for a few days. I definitely think we
were too fast-paced. I just wish he didn't have to like
Gloria :( This makes it so difficult for me, I get jealous
so easily. I wish I didn't....I'm just not comfortable with
who I am and this isn't helping. My personality molds
easily to fit the people I am with. It's like I have a
piece of each of my friends that makes up who I am. Which
isn't necessarily a bad thing, I have some great friends. I
just wish I could find out who I am and stay that way. I
wish I could be comfortable enough with who I am that this
whole issue with those two didn't bother me. I don't know
how to get over it though, I can't stop dwelling on it! I
think I need to stop talking to Karl at least for a little
while, but I am afraid to say that. I like him as a friend,
and it will only make me more jealous of them when I stop
talking to him altogether. Plus, that was what I did with
Nick back in March and we haven't really talked since. I
wish I could go back to August and tell myself not to get
involved. The funny thing is, when I was getting ready for
college I wasn't really thinking about Karl. When he came
to visit me on moving day I was shocked, because I totally
forgot about him. When I met him over the summer he was
kinda scary, he had the beard and long hair and stuff, but
he had a good personality. Things are just weird. I wish I
had a guy that I liked right now, that would definitely
help.

School is kinda going downhill right now. I'm so
unmotivated, I hardly do any homework. It's hard living in
the dorms too, because there is so much going on here that
it's easy to get distracted. Last night, for example,
Maureen came over to help me with my index cards for one of
our classes, we ended up playing cards, soon we were in the
24-hour lounge playing Go Fish with 4 other people! We went
for a walk then and took pictures in the dark, and then
went to the theatre to help Gloria with some homework.
Basically, I went to bed at 2 am without having my
notecards done yet! Actually I have to do them after this,
it's 9:30 am now, I have until my 11 am class. I also have
intentions of taking a nap and a shower, but we'll see if I
even get my ass off this computer. I definitely need to go
to the library to do work from now on. I have my philosophy
midterm tomorrow, I will need some major cramming time in
the lib. Which might be hard, since I am so tired!

I don't know what is compelling me to write in an online
diary. I am sure this will come back to haunt me someday. I
can see Karl getting ahold of the website and reading all
about how much it is hurting me to be friends with him. He
would think I am insane. We didn't even really get far into
a relationship. Which is good, because I know that if we
did I would be in pain right now. Why was I so stupid to
get involved in the very beginning of college! I knew I
shouldn't get into it but I did anyway. I am not used to
having a guy like me, when it happens I always get
involved. I was thinking about it, and it really is true.
With every guy that I have known to like me, I have taken
it as far as I could do within my power. Granted with
people like Kevin it wasn't nearly as far as it was with
James, but still. Even Drew! He is probably at the bottom
of my list, and yet I dated him for almost a month. I think
I have my priorities all out of order and that is why I get
hurt so easily. I just wish I could get over it and move on.


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