Just another girl

Fooling With Words
2001-10-01 02:55:43 (UTC)

loathe of everything

Sorry. Last entry was very mean and uncalled for, but
nobody listens to me, so I have to get it out somehow..
Although that really did not help in any way. I got off
because the phone rang and I was hoping it would be drew,
but it was for my mom. He never calls me anymore, and when i call he
is never there, and he never returns my calls. SOmething is up, and I
don't like it. And then I started crying because
the phone wasn't for me. sad and patheitc, yes that is me.
My last big entry was about drew and how things weren't
going well... well yeah he dumped me last Monday. It was
actually, really really odd. I went over to his house after
school, and he was watching Dragon Ball Z, and laughing
which was just bothering me, because it is the most
retarded show in the world. So I started bawling. Then he came over
finally and asked
me what was wrong, and I said that I just didn't feel
good.. bad day yatta yatta yatta...... and that I just felt
crappy.. because I do. I feel like shit and I hate
it. Anyway,... so he kisses me.. and then brings me into
his bedroom where we proceed to do a few things.... and i
can't stop thinking about it, but I'm not going to talk
about it. And then all of a sudden he stopped, and we went
back out into the living room, and then he said he didn't
love me, and he couldn't deal with me anymore. And then he
tried to hold my hand. fucking bastard. I seriously can't
take shit from people anymore. I was crying before he told
me this, so I hope he doesn't think I hate the world
because he dumped me, because that isn't it at all. I'm
just too nice. I'm so nice to everybody, and I
can't deal with it anymore. I just need to lash out. As
horrible as this is, I just want to go hurt somebody. I
cried for seven hours that night. non-stop. I cry everyday
now. I can't talk to anybody about it. It's just me, and me
and the computer and me. It's easy to see how he doens't
love me, why he just couldn't anymore, I really don't see
how anybody could love me, if I can't even love myself. Stupid tears,
stupid everything. I can't stand this sad helpless feeling.
I used to go to Drew when I felt like this, but what am I supposed
to do now?
I hate how I pick people apart, and nothing
is ever good enough, i'm never good enough for myself, I do
everything wrong, and I don't have the will to just keep
doing things so that I can do them wrong, and disappoint
myself more, and continue this nasty cycle.
All I really want is somebody to hold me and tell me
that the world is not as shitty as it seems. I need someone
to tlell me that other people are happy, other people do
want to be here, and other people are enjoying things. That
I should enjoy them too. I can't live like this.
I"m so mad at myself for who I am, and what i'm not. I have
no one, I haven't had anyone for awhile. I used to have
Drew, he used to understand me, he used to understand that
I was in pain and he knew what I needed because he used to
need it to. He doens't need it anymore, he's forgotten, and nobody
else knows. I don't want anybody else to. I can't be here naymore I
just can't do it.
I just want to get lost and not have to
comeback, and not have to think about anything, and I wish
I never knew anybody, and I wish nobody ever knew me.
Stephen Chbosky wrote in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower",
that we'accept the love we think we deserve'. I don't feel
love for anyhting. I don't think I deserve it. The best
part about this, is that nobody knows. I can sit here and
rot away silently, and nobody will know about it. Nobody
will see it. No one will expect it. They'll all just wake
up one morning, and i'll be gone, and they'll go on, and
i'll be ok, because I won't have to be like this anymore.