Cath

my so called life
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2001-09-30 21:57:07 (UTC)

Escaping reality

A lot of stuff have been happening..
Wednesday I went to the doctor's. He couldn't really figure
out what's wrong with me, he got kind of worried and wanted
to run all these tests on me. That made me scared.
Appearantly I've got really thin veins, so the nurse
couldn't find them.. (!) My father had to drive me to the
hospital. They plunged me six times! Sheese..
I found that he tested me for all sorts of things,
including HIV! That's so fucking scaring!! I can't have
HIV! That's impossible, people who have HIV die! That only
happens to other people.. you read about it, it doesn't
happen to you.. HELP!

I haven't been feeling any better lately, so hopefully the
result of the tests will show something (NOT HIV!). My
friends have been asking me if I'm feeling better every day
since I went to the doctor's. I have to tell them no, I
don't, they don't get that I've been feeling this way since
middle of July. I'm not going to get better/worse just
because I went to the doctor's. It's not like he gave me
any medications.
They're sweet, tho. They've been kind of joking around
about the whole HIV-thing, but what if it's fucking real?
That's just so crazy and so fucking inconceivable .. And SO
unfair.. One sexual experience, ONE! And we didn't even go
all the way. But I know, you can get infected even if you
don't go all the way. And there are other ways to get
infected, but the odds are so tiny.. Oh, get real, I've
only got a harmless virus.....

The whole escaping thing.. Yeah, I'm escaping. I realised
that an hour ago or something. Lucy, Tiff and I were at
this café. It was so cosy, candles, music and coffee. And
us girls. I love when we're together. We stayed for like
two and a half hours and I never wanted to leave. I
realised that I was escaping reality.. When I got home I
had to remember that I'm going to school tomorrow, that I'm
sick and that I'm not completely happy as I was those two
hours. Everyone should have friends like I do. I'm so
grateful.

Today is Bella's birthday. She kept her birthday yesterday.
We were about 20-30 people and it was nice. I should have
stayed at home, I was feeling so ill Friday night and
Saturday morning, but I went anyways. I'm glad. Once again
escaping reality.
Ben was there. He sat next to me for a while. I dunno,
something happens inside me when he's close to me.
My cousin drove us to the club arond midnight. It was
crowded as usual. I met this guy who was in my class two
years ago. We used to flirt a lot and he was always saying
that he had a crush on me, but he's never serious. Three
months ago he told me that he'd been in love with me for
two years (I kind of lost contact with him when he started
a different school. He used to have a girlfriend too.). I
didn't know what to believe, but I didn't have any feelings
for him, really. When he was in my class he used to give me
so much attention. I miss that, but I don't miss HIM, I
miss the attention. I met him a week ago, I hadn't seen him
for ages. I kind of thought it would be nice to feel his
arms around me. So safe, so easy. But I could never love
him.
Yesterday he was being very intimately, and he told me he
wasn't over me. I was like, hello, you had a girlfriend
this summer. Yeah, but that didn't work out, he said. Why's
that? I asked. - She wasn't you.
Later I was dancing to Destiny's Child - Bootylicous and
suddently he was standing next to me. He tried to hold me
and said " You're too bootylicious for me, baby". That was
so lame. I laughed and pushed him away. He had the sadest
look in his eyes. I don't know why, but I keep hurting him.
When we were going home he came and hugged me. He hold me
really close and said he din't want to let me go. I just
smiled and pulled away. A part of me just wanted to let him
hold me and take me home. It's been so long since I felt
secure in someone's arms. But I knew he wasn't the right
guy, he was just an available guy.
Yeah, I'm too bootylicious for you baby
I don't think you can handle this
:D :P

I really shouldn't be playing these games with his heart.
(Not trying to sound like Backstreetboys)

Hm, I think something wrong between Tom and me. I ran into
him yesterday at the mall. He was there with his
girlfriend. We just said hey and walked by eachother. If he
was truly just a friend of mine, wouldn't I talk to him
even if his girlfriend was there? I don't know what's going
on, why can't we just be friends?
Have we ever been friends?

Why can't I be in love with Carl? He's so nice. Why can't I
be with Ben? Why do I care about him? Why does he call me
to ask silly questions he don't need the answeres to? Why
does he make me feel so stupid? Why can't I talk to him?
Why do I ask all this questions?


- Because it's late and I should be sleeping.


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