Hidden thoughts and alibis
2001-09-30 21:53:50 (UTC)

Summer is over and the winds return to claim their haunts. The greyscale skies seek their sorrow and the rain looms like an Anagnorisis.

So, how was summer? There is no official date for summer
ending (not that I know of), but there is however, a point
when you can feel winter sliding through your t-shirt, and
we've reached it here where I live.

Summer was ok. But unfortunately thats all it was. I had
fun, I'm always having a good amount of fun, but I'm
missing a defining moment from any aspect of this summer.
And I think that is what annoys me most about my life at
the moment. It's a serious of average-to-good events. But,
like most average to good things, ultimately it leaves the
bitter taste of disappointment in your throat - This was my
eighteenth summer, my summer of sex, drugs and rock and
roll. I didn't really have much of any of that (much being
used liberally) and it frustrates me that maybe I'm waiting
for something instead of making it happen. I was trying to
explain this to Sarah the other night. It's funny, usually
I use Sarah as a physical representation of my thoughts,
because when I'm explaining stuff to her it's more like I'm
trying to find a way to explain it to myself (so usually
she ends up feeling confused by what I'm saying, almost as
much as me). But, I tend to wait for things to happen,
waiting for the relationship, waiting for the moments, and
I'm starting to realise simply waiting for the best parts
of life maybe means you're going to overshoot them. Having
said that, it's easier said than done. If it was that
simple to have the confidence and ability to go out there
and get what you wanted easy I'd have a lot of things right

Another thing is no matter how metaphorical I get about
things in my diary, I'm missing the primal fundamental that
is sex. And I don't miss it in the "higher plateau" sense -
I just want sex.

So, this is where things with Sarah gets difficult. I don't
have any feelings for Sarah, as I have told you and myself
many times. However, what I do have is a basic yearning for
sexual contact with the female species in general.
Naturally, when this happens I tend to look towards Sarah,
being a very good friend and a female. We've never had sex,
we've never so much as kissed, but it sometimes does get
hard to resist. I'm not saying I'd want stuff to happen
between us, I'm not sure what I'm saying at all. But I know
that sometimes I get disconnected from my search in finding
someone special, or finding those perfect moments, and
realise that simply not having physical contact is having
some primal, almost neanderthal effect on my life.

My question is what do you do? I'm not suggesting I'd have
sex with Sarah even if we said yes to each other, as there
is a lot of water under that bridge (not between me and
her, but it's not my story to tell so I'd best leave it
private) but mild physical contact is something that gets
harder to resist sometimes. Basically it's horny teenage
boy syndrome. You can be romantic, thoughtful,
philosopihcal - but sometimes you're just horny. And for
the past few weeks I've been like that. It's just a need
you know? It's like eating.

But, back to my original theme. My life isn't "slipping
away" or anything stupid, but it's just always a little off
course from where I want to be going in some aspects. I
guess, when it comes down to it, it's like this:

I like Alana a lot, but as I explained that situation is
basically on hiatus until I can get my act together and do
something. But, I'm not the kind of person who can just do
something with anybody (again apart from on holiday, but
that WAS different). I miss intimacy with someone and
unfortunately sometimes I look to Sarah for that kind
of "soul-mate" thing. Being so close it just sometimes
feels like physical contact with her would somehow be
more ... satisfying, and enjoyable because of the trust and
intimacy between us. I think sometimes she feels the same
way, it seems sometimes she feels this way about me and
vice-versa. It's comical, it's not that big an issue and
it'll pass but right now it's like she'd be the best choice
to do things with.

I dunno, that sounds a little impersonal. Basically, in my
book sexual relations between friends is a cool thing if
both are clear about the objectives of the other. If two of
my friends were having sex or something, and knew there was
no relationship, and understood that only friendship was
there - it's a good deal right? Basically, it's fun, and if
both parties realise the causes and consequences and agree
then I think it's a positive and healthy thing. I think
again Sarah feels the same way - Sex with someone you love
is magic, sex with someone you're friendly and comfortable
with is fun and satisfying. So, I think in a way sexuality
should be explored between friends. The only problem then
is the "It mean't nothing to you?" effect. If both parties
aren't clear that the relationship is not going to progress
spiritually, it's fine. If one thinks some sort of
chemistry is in effect, it can get difficult and ruin a
friendship. So, I wouldn't do anything with any friend
unless we both wanted it to go further, or both knew it was
only a platonic expression of friendship and enjoyment.

I'm in uni, it's fun. I'm in a band, it's fun. I'm in no
relationship or having no sexual relations with someone -
It's not fun. It's something I missed this summer and I
want to rectify the problem, either with a girlfriend or
some sort of relationship with a girl (possibly and
probably with Sarah, as I explained it would have to be a
friendly and trusting thing).

So, there we have it. My physical desires have taking over
from my feelings this past few days and I just have a basic
need for physical contact. Just thought sharing it might
ease it a little.

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