in media res
What happens. . .?
One of the things I have to think about in all this, is
what happens, when I am not strong enough?
Shells depends on me, there is no doubt in this situation,
she has told me on repeated occasions, she has never needed
someone this much, and is scared that she needs me too much
now. Last night, that phone call scared me. Acutally the
first one kinda made me think, and the second one got me
mad in some respects.
First one made me look at all this and think to myself, "Am
I really this strong, or am I just kinda faking it right
now?" Perhaps I am still in shock, perhaps I am just
projecting this onto something else that isn't my g/f going
through all this. I have been there with friends through
hell and back, I would stand behind someone no matter what
they have to do. I stand behind Shells, with that
conviction and even more.
Anger set in during the second phone call. Anger for a
million reasons. So far I have isolated a few.
(1) something about she was sloppy and, "sloppy girls get
groped, but Chandler saved me." I am protective by nature,
especially of my g/f. I would like to think most guys can
respect a girl, even when she is drunk, and if they don't,
it is nice to know I can beat the hell out of most guys,
and for that I would have.
(2) the simple fact she did that. If she wanted an escape,
there are others, more healthy ones. she followed in the
steps of her father, who is an alcoholic. and to be
honest, it was scarey to see her follow in that pattern.
scarey to think that she could end up being that person
that she learned to despise. scarey to think that if she
even started to walk that path, I would leave her at the
trail head, and probably never even look back.
(3) I asked her last night, after some of the anger had
subsided, "do you ever hide part of yourself when I am
there? keep that dark part of you locked away when I am
there?" because when I am there, she smiles, laughs, seems
happier, moments like last night, don't seem to happen.
she told me for the first time ever she is letting me see
like 98% of her, and she isn't hiding anything away from
me, no matter if it is in-person, or over the phone. And
that made me angry at myself. had I been there, this
probably wouldn't have happened. her steep into new old
habits, and just everything could have perhaps been
delayed, or cut off.
(4) I started to get infuriated with myself. I read the
emails, I heard the words, saws the signs, and left her
there. perhaps I should have atleast said something,
called her on it, said, "you don't have to try and make
yourself feel numb." or I hear you, like distance meek crys
of a kitten, I hear you. nope, deaf ear, blind eye. think
I just needed a little bit of a break from it all, but how
can one not blame oneself when the person you are trying SO
hard to protect hurts themself. the guilt of, "things
could have been different had I been there..." I think
many people term it part of survivor's guilt, "I should
have done something" I am sorry babe, I can beat myself up
for this all I want, but I still let you down.
But what happens in these moments? do I let it all just
seep away and fall apart? letting smaller and then larger
pieces of myself slowly then suddenly fall away from me?
can I really just teach myself to let things happen?
she told me she was a big girl, that she could take care of
herself. I don't believe it. honestly, I really don't.
history has shown that people can't just pull themselves
up, and learn to live life again. normally there is a
extremely low point and then they decide look up from the
thier pit, and THEN move on. it sucks like hell, I
know... but to date, I don't really know of anyone that
has truely been able to pull themselves out of a pit like
that. I know she can't, I just know it. and in moments
like this, I have to look around myself to make sure I am
not digging my own pit, not trying to fill hers up, while
creating my own.