Non Importante

It happened (she cracked)

"the twenty-first comes so soon every month, the
anniversary of not being strong enough, you're much too
codependent, a shrink is recommended, your father tells you
to try to beresponsible, your mother loves you but not the
way she did before, your brother is torn to piecess, nobody
knows the reasons,you love the winter but it smells too
much like memories..." -Blue October, The 21st

I walk talking to Adam a couple nights ago, he asked how we
were doing how Shells was, and everything. I told him, she
was handling everything great, she was strong and things
really haven't started to bother her yet. He told me it
was shock, and that too would pass. I hate it when he is
right.

It was probably Thrusday night when I was talking to her...
She had a lot on her mind, said her mind was racing in
circles and things, couldn't think straight, couldn't stop
it all. I told her to write it out, just get it all down,
and see if that wouldn't help. Told her to write one of
her "psychotic emails" even if she didn't send it to
anyone. I got it sometime Friday. Not sure if she was
intending on sending it to me or not, not sure if she wrote
it writing to me, or just to space, but I got it
nonetheless.

Ever see a sign and just ignore it? "Hey look, that was my
exit, but I don't care, I can always double back or
something." Ever look at a person standing on the edge of
a mountain, and not reach out for them? Think to yourself
something like, "oh they will be ok" or "she won't fall" or
something? I did. I read the email, saw the signs, heard
the words spew forth from her mouth, knew, yeah knew, she
was standing somewhere near that edge.

Shells has a history of drug abuse, been clean for years (3
or so... longer then me), but the history is still there.
Drugs are kind of like depression, niether one of them
really ever leave you alone, both kind of sit in the back
of your mind, creeping out kicking you in the ass every
once in a while saying, "HEY! Remember me?!" A truely
strong person can ignore the drugs, learn that they are not
the pathway to healing and getting past shit. Depression,
you learn to battle from time to time. Only the VERY rare
and strong can tell it to shut the fuck up and get back in
it's cage.

Last night Shells, went out and got drunk. Normally, for
most people this isn't that big of a deal. For people that
have an alcoholic father, don't drink, have a LOW alcohol
tolerance, and are standing on the edge... not a good time
to go throw a few back. She did, and part of her knows she
did it with the intention of trying to stop thinking, to
shut her mind off, to stop the screaming, to just
become "numb".

Around 1 a.m. I got a phone call from a very drunk g/f
saying, "So you want to know where I am?" Babe, I already
knew, reasonably, already knew. I knew where you were
going that night, I knew what you were going to do, why you
were going to do it... I know you are a strong person, but
there is always that temptation to just lose it all, to
fall to pieces and release yourself once again. Trust me,
I know. I have bitten into many, many cigarettes thinking
something along the lines of, "I just want to escape."

We talked around 3 a.m. when she got back home, and I was
in the process of writing my first entry. To be completely
honest, I didn't even want to talk to her. I had to stop
myself several time from hanging up the phone, and just
being like, "I can't take it this right now...."

It is hard to not be there with her, it is hard to listen
to her cry over the phone and know I can't even give her a
hug. It sucks... it just really sucks.