synapse

synapse
2001-09-30 19:11:06 (UTC)

kinda depressed

Ok. This whole thing is new to me. I'm not really used to
sharing my feelings with other people. I think that's why I
am doing this, because I feel like I need to vent some
stuff. Right now I am in a whole new world. This is my
second month as a college freshman. The whole situation is
one big change for me. I go through phases, sometimes I
feel like things are great here and I am so glad I came,
and then at other times the littlest things can change my
mind. My biggest issue right now is a guy. He makes or
breaks my day, is basically what it comes down to. We are
just friends, now, and slowly diminishing from that even. I
am trying to get over him but it's not working too easily.
The hardest part is that he likes the girl who lives across
the hall from me....guess who introduced them? I'm getting
jealous of her actually, because I know that they would
make a good couple, and I wish I could be her for that
reason. Everyone seems to like her; she just seems cunning
to me. I don't know if she really wants to be friends with
me, or if she is just using me to get to this guy. She is a
professional at this or whatever, because she is doing a
great job at making me jealous and him want her. Why does
this world have to be so complicated? I just want someone
to want me...I have never had that before. My longest
relationship is 1 month. I had a longer relationship, where
I honestly believe we were both in love, but since that was
long distance I don't know that I can really count it.
Besides, bottom line is he broke my heart so why should I
dwell on it.

I have never been drunk. This isn't exactly a party school, but there
have been parties so far about every weekend. I've gone to them and I
have a great time, but for some reason I just don't get drunk. I'll
drink like one or two beers and that is it. Something holds me back
and I can't really explain it. Last night was a weird night. When I
got there my friend Ryan said he was driving home later that night,
but he was obviously drunk already, so I told him that I would drive
him home when he was ready. So I didn't drink anything, which didn't
bother me too much. It was just seeing everyone else so happy, and so
flirty, it got to me. Especially since Karl was there, and he was
drunk too. He is a funny drunk, flirty as hell. I had to stay away
from him, because I didn't want to think it was anything more when in
fact he was just excessively drunk. I like being sober when everyone
is drunk, because, sad as this is to say, it makes me feel good as a
person. I like being responsible and being reliable, and I get to
hear some pretty funny stuff that way. I like when guys hit on me,
because it makes me feel pretty and attractive and all that. I guess
that's why I don't drink. I like the power. The next day is always
fun, telling people the funny stuff they did the night before. I just
wish sometimes that I could be the one having that much fun. I will
drink eventually, I just need to feel comfortable in my surroundings.
I thought it was pretty funny that my first time driving after 11 pm
(I just turned 18) was last night, to DD people back to campus. I'm
glad Kristen was sober with me, because frankly I was scared to do
that. I'm glad everything worked out ok.