g ir l nex t d o or

Fire Lillies H2O
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2001-09-30 06:28:52 (UTC)

Day One

I have a box of journals at my parent's house. I carried
them around with me all through college with the idea that
somehow that they would help me through school. Lousy idea.
I sent them home to them in hopes that I could start again,
and quit holding onto my past, but that's completely
impossible.

Regardless of what will happen, no matter how many times
I "reinvent myself" I will always be simply trying to find
my little girl self wrapped up in this somewaht believable
assemblance of womanhood. I feel like a beautiful banquet
of all dishes made with marshmellows. Visually stunning,
but wholly unnutrional or filling.

I am not saying that I am some great prize, but I have a
degree and am at least worth my skin. The big question is
NOW, I have my life! All that time when people say, " When
I have time..." That's me!! I have nothing, but time. I am
22, degree in a fluffy subject-but from a good school-, no
kids, no significant others, just me. So what do I want
from this life?

Friends, Family, a home, my cat, my fish, the beach nearby,
good medical insurnance, love, and some clothes. How can
someone achieve such a simple list? I mean these are so not
impossible. The smallest steps are the hardest to take, or
so it seems.

So I guess the next six months are me figuring out how do I
live life when I no longer have any guide lines or road
maps planned. It blows my mind and I feel the need to take
a little kava-kava. Just too much it seems.

I keep going out to buy groceries or simply shopping-
thrift stores, antique stores, malls,ikea (!)- trying to
keep myself from stopping while looking to fill in the
holes. As my friend said, " I want to wake up and feel like
everythings okay." I know what she means. It's why I took
up two jobs. How else does one get out off debt while
paying school debts? Oh, yea, while buying furniture?
That's the only way I can think to find my future. Shed the
burdens quickly.

I can do this. I just feel like, " Why can't everyone
else?" Sometimes I can't understand why its so hard for
them to just do "it," but at the same time I can't
comprehend finding people to enjoy so easily.

I sit back and wonder how did they all find eachother if
they weren't childhood friends, then they met through the
dorms, and if it wasn't that--then me. How can I meet
people through me? HA, I guess that really is the answer.
Where do I go to meet them then???? That's an answer I need.

Well tomorrows the 9AM to 10PM with only a 30 minute break.
I think sleep would be appropriate now.

goodnite-
the girl next door


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