Its like she wont give up. she..
Its like she wont give up. she has to constantly remind me
that I didnt care that she almost died. What does she want
me to say? I dont care, but I cant let her know that, Its
just...something that cannot be said. But she has to remind
me everyday, well she has so far, that all I said was "she
must be alright, shes eating, so why should I ask?"
Anyway, my great grandmom, my dads grandmother, birthday is
like, around here. And since shes a millionare, like my moms
grandmom is, My dad wants me to get close to her...so maybe
shell put me in her will. But thats not why ill visit her.
Im just kind enough, and sweet enough to visit an old lady
who would love to see her great grand children. Ill give her
a gift too.
I had this weird dream last night about aleksey. What I
remember was that for some strange reason, we HAD to go look
at cars that were being sold - on sale - by, get this, Rite
Aid. His dad and my mom were chatting or something. And they
were like "GO! NOW!" So we went, him leading, we were
walking down some stairs. I kept on saying something, not
the same thing, every once in awhile. it was a bit of a long
staircase, i guess. Finally, he looked back and responded.
We went and looked at the cars- And there was a beatiful
green buggy! I wanted it! it costed 1500 dollars. But i
wanted to look at the other cars first. So, i did, and
everything that I liked was over my price range, $1500. So i
went back to look at the car one more time - and it was
gone. Aleksey was fading by the time we got to the cars.
Then I dremnt that my mom bought a new house. It was a
mansion. Everything inside was red and white, and the couch
was beautiful and had a huge picture window behind it. I
think I had a nightmare, too. Somethign about dozens and
dozens of rabid cats were surrrounding me, attackin me,
slashing at me. I couldnt find a way away from them.
Everywhere I turned, they were there. What a wounderful
Dan cut his hair. I Dont know why, it looked so much better
long. Kristi doesnt agree, and neither does he. I dont get
it, he looks so much less - errr, its weird to admit i
thought he was - sexy. He doesnt much now, actully. I guess
its just a hair thing. Bleh. Actully, since he's in my math
class, I mentioned it. I said "Dan, whyd you cut your hair?"
and he says "because it was getting long and icky" me: "It
looked...nice like that" Krsti & Dan: "No". Was that rude of
me to state that i liked it better before he cut it? Not
that I care, I'd rather not lie. Besdies, i should be
congradulated, its rare i say anything that could possibly
be nice, verbally, to most people.
I Have this problem when I walk. I Stare at the ground in
front of me, most of the time, occasionally glancing up.
Like either i think im inferiors to everyone else, like i
possibilyy do feel, or that im afraid ill see someone and
theyll think theyll have to say Hi because I saw them. Or
maybe its because its a habit because im afraid ill step on
somethign and fall, or ill loose my balance. Believe it or
not, it happens. Im not worried about falling and embrassing
myself; Ive done that plenty. But I dont get embrassed, i
think its funny and i get up and laagh, dusting myself off.
Speaking of laughing, kristi asked me if i practice my
laugh, once again. That girl cracks me up for some reason.
Just stupid things. But for some reason when im around her
and possibly other people, ill crack up laughing for no
reason. But of course, it gets kristi going when i luagh.
Shell laugh too, adn illt ell her shes blushing, and shell
blush deeper, and ill tell her what colors her face is
turning, i get a kick out of it, and then she pouts. She
laughs at nothing too, because i get her in the mood to
luagh at anything, and since she was making corny, semi
perverted jokes, i got this idea, took my pencil and held it
up straight in front of her (just to see her reaction), and
the moment she saw it, she cracked up in hysterical
laughter. I grinned. After that I told her, in the middle of
a fit of laughter, that im probably gonna start drooling,
and she said, both of us sobering up, "Is it because its
hard?" and i just gave her this shocked look, and shes said
that before too, then it dawned on her that she had just
purposly made a perverted remark, and she burst into
laughter. Then, after that, she asked me what my screen name
is, she had to change hers and forgot mine. Before i could
state it, she started writing it down, but i had to recite
that 4 numbers to her. Then she asked me, "Why is your
screen name StraightEdge?" I looked at her for a moment,
made a face, and said "because thats the kind of person I
am" and she looked at me blankly, and i thought i confused
her, so i said "Im not tlaking about a straight edge razor"
and she said "I Know what a Straight edge person it, but why
are you?" "Because I can be" and she just looked at me
funny. Like I was some kind of weirdo for not doing drugs,
or smoking, or drinking, or other such stuff. I do have
morals, you know. Anyway, was it always so cool to be fucked
up and not remember what you did last night? And even if you
can rememeber, IS IT STILL THAT DAMNED COOL? I like to have
fun and know im having fun when i am, I dont need anything
to push me too.
Dan mentioned he'd like to take something and drive it right
into someone named John's eye. Kristi looked a bit surprise
dand shook her head, and I said "That sounds like fun" in a
serious tone, as not to been mistaken for sarcasm - people
tend to mistake my seriousness for sarcasm cuz im generally
sarcastic. I think sarcasm is funny. Anyway, Kristi said
"RANDI!" and i said "What? Deep down im a very violent
person" And she grinned that stupid grin that means shes
thinking something perverted (And shes always grinning like
that, which makes it all the more funny) and she said "I
could say somethign about that...but im not going to" and I
quinted at her, somewhat, i didnt get it. How could she say
"something" about that? Theres nothing to say about it! Not
in that sense anyway.
During U.S. History we were watching "Glory", and Col. Shaw
was trying to get his soldier to load the gun faster, and
since the man was unlearned it was taking an extremly long
time. So Shaw shouted "FASTER!" "FASTER! "FASTER!" and by
now, the guy started shaking, but trying to load it faster.
But then saw started firing his own gun behind the guys
head, and yelling "FASTER! HURRY!" and the guy jumped
everytime Shaw shot off his gun, and this struck me as
funny, at first I grinned, controling my urge to laugh, but
I couldnt help it and laughed, for only about 2 seconds. But
it occoured to me, that wasent an appropriate moment to
laugh, even if it did seem funny.
So I sit typing in this journal, shivering, fingers
freezing, maybe I should get a blanket? I relize my cousin
bronson is probably reading my journal right now. Isnt it
nice? I dont want family reading my personal thoughts,
they're all fucked and think theres somethign wrong with
anyone who...well, generally, not like Them. Bis, Gays,
Lesbians, Blacks, Mentally disabled, physcially disabled, or
just anyone who has, in their opinoon, strange thought, or
perhaps disgusting (in my moms point of view.) Like - not
caring about someone dieing - Or, wanting someone to die -
Or thoughts of digging someones voice box out with your bare
hands (and thats one of the more frequent, yet milder
thoughts I have) And its funny, I have some 3rd or 4th
cousins who are black, and my great uncle was a child
molester, my aunt belinda beats her kids (serverly, worse
than i was beaten), my cousin brianna is a sophmore and
reads at a 7th grade level(im guessing. She was having a
hard time reading harry potter.) And some other guy in my
family is somewhat slow and had problems with controling one
of his arms. yet THEYRE OKAY TO LIKE, BUT ANYONE ELSE IS TOO
FUCKED UP. Thats why I hate this family. Damned predjidouced
fuckers, I want to move to Ireland, they like to slep in I
heard. Besides, im a fourth irish, and USA has a very low
society, so many drugs, killing, rape, it terrible. Ireland
or austrailia or some other fun loveing country. Britain?
Itaily? I Think i'd perfer Ireland, and then Austrailia,
though. And further more, I dont think this war is a good
idea, DONT YOU EVER LOOK INTO THE OTHER PERSONS POINT OF
VEIW? It seems to be all I ever do! i always try to
understand a persons actions. Maybe thats why i forgive
things faster than you can say the alphabet. But for some
reason I hate being forgiven, maybe im just hard on myself
for doing something that hurts or makes another person mad,
but It needs to be remember I care about how other people
feel, unless I know them enough to hate them, like my mom.
Im always afraid im going to make someone mad. I know people
dont believe me when i tell them truths,too, and it probably
hurts them to think i'd lie to them. If that person actulyl
cares that much. People dont understand though; I dont like
to anyone unless i hate them; and even then i only lie to
avoid embarassing details or to aviod punishment.
I think my eyes glow red or somethign when im irratated.
They must, becaus esometimes when kristi is bothering me and
i ask her to please stop, i turn around, not even glareing,
and in a nice voice i say "please stop" and she gets wide
eye, leans back (since she sits behind me in math) and says
"holy shit. okay okay" or something equally as frightened.
And when I glare she moves so its more visable that shes
trying to squirm away. I hate that my emotions show on my
face. I hate that I blush too much, and that sometimes i
stutter (hrowded calls! or b-b-b-b-but or ssss...sssteh
(starting over after that), or like i did about 3 times
today, i switch words. "flower Vase - Vase Flower" like
that. I resent the fact im overweight and tis not my fault
because I have a thyriod problem - But dont think I havent
started trying to loose weight. I goto Family fitness usualy
after school to excersize, and ive been eating healthily
since awhile. Right, well, bai. -7:00 PM
Well....Tina hasent much longer to wait to call me. She promised shell
take less than a week this time. You ask why i cant call her? Im not
allowed to use my beloved calling card, silly. Anyway, im gonna go lay
in my bed and think till i fall asleep. Goodnight.